Soul Searching

 

Over the last few days I’ve done some soul searching. I’ve prayed, done some reading and bible study and a lot of thinking about “Now what?”

Despite our big blow up last week, life has remained pretty stable. Jordan has continued to lead. He has continued to expect respect and obedience and I’ve been obedient at times and disrespectful at others.

Although I am still hurt and deeply disappointed the brunt of these feelings have begun to fade. My anger has calmed and my focus has changed from “getting him back… revenge” to what should I do now.

The thing that struck me the post as I read trying to find an answer was this…

 

 

 

Biblical submission and respect is not a reaction to, or dependent on our husband’s behavior. It is individual obedience to our Father’s command. (Why is She Smiling… Amy Williams)  It isn’t about if Jordan deserves it or not… it is the fact that I know submitting to Jordan is the right thing to do. Choosing to disobey my husband is a sin. Not only that, Jordan deserves my submission simply because he is my husband and I am his helper.

Another piece I read compared marriage to a business. Someone must be the boss. Someone must have the authority to have the final say. A business with more than one CEO will result in many quarrels due to differences in opinion. That’s what it is all about. Although I know Jordan has the last say, I am competing with the boss and rebelling against his God given authority.   

 

 

So, my decision is this… I will do my best to do what I know is right. I will obey Jordan and submit to his authority to the best of my ability. Submission is a choice and I will try my hardest to make that right choice each day.

I’ve decided not to discuss this with Jordan at this point. Instead I’ve chosen to make a sincere attempt at submitting and when he notices or brings it up I will explain myself. At that time I hope to also tell Jordan that I will leave the option to discipline open. I will leave it up to him to decide if he chooses to bring that aspect back into our relationship.

Thank you all for your support and your honesty.  Your sometimes gentle other times blunt encouragement to continue to submit to Jordan was much needed an appreciated <3

 

So... Now what???

I’ve been sitting here staring at my blank screen with tears streaming down my face trying to decide “Now What???”

As most of you know DD has been a rocky road for Jordan and I. We’ve stopped and restarted a few times… For me honestly it has been more of a source of disappointment and hurt than good. The only thing I don’t regret is implementing DD to serve as a reunification tool after our separation.

DD brought us back together after things seemed unrepairable. We were able to love again when our “in love” had been lost. Unfortunately I embraced the concept much more than Jordan did and time and time again we’ve battled inconsistency and lack of ownership and effort.

Two days ago…. I revoked my consent to DD. For once it wasn’t during a time of punishment when I decided to quit because I’ve been there done that and Jordan doesn’t allow that to happen. For some time now I’ve attempted to reach out to Jordan to communicate about DD; to discuss if he even wanted this because it didn’t seem like he did. I tried a fellow bloggers idea of journaling. He didn’t acknowledge it. I tried texting… he gave vague responses or ignored those texts completely. I tried conversations and he didn’t respond. I offered reading material to “help” him understand. As far as I know it was never read.

Eventually defeated… broken… I decided to protect myself, my heart, from further pain and disappointment and ended, I believe for the last time, our DD agreement.

Jordan confessed he just wasn’t comfortable spanking for discipline. In the past he has expressed his displeasure in feeling like he is parenting another child. He doesn’t want DD. That is clear…. But I do:/ So Now What?

I am hurt and angry. I feel vulnerable…  like I put my heart out there and it has been trampled.

I insisted that without DD he speak to me as an equal and not attempt to control what I do.

That has presented a problem… Can you ever go back to the way life was before DD after living it???

We’ve been doing this for almost two years. Every time we quit we’ve quickly resumed. Jordan has become accustomed to being respected and obeyed and I’ve become accustomed to respecting and obeying… checking in… considering what he would want me to do… asking first. He wants that to continue.  He doesn’t like me doing as I please. But that’s what he wanted isn’t it?

It feels wrong in a way to suddenly think independently and do my own thing. Somewhat because I’m used to Jordan leading… but there is a bigger nagging feeling. The whole foundation of our DD relationship was to use DD as a tool to help us assume the roles God intended for husbands and wives; for me ‘the wife’ to submit to my husband and for him ‘the husband’ to lead our family. So can I submit simply because that’s what God, as a wife, has commanded me to do? Do I have the self-discipline to submit without the threat of spankings or punishment?

Honestly I think I can… it is what Jesus would want me to do… but right now I don’t want to. I don’t feel like he deserves my obedience and I know that is awful… sinful.

Jordan wants to continue with erotic spankings. I asked him not to. I just want to close this chapter. If I could erase it.. I would! But… he did it anyways. Just last night… and it felt amazing and I loved it… but I wish I didn’t.

As far as the blog goes, I spent a lot of time thinking about whether to just gracefully disappear or stay honest and here I am bearing my soul. I guess, in hopes that somewhere out there, there is another lady going through the same thing and if nothing else she will know she is not alone.