Monday, December 15, 2014

Soul Searching

Over the last few days I’ve done some soul searching. I’ve prayed, done some reading and bible study and a lot of thinking about “Now what?”

Despite our big blow up last week, life has remained pretty stable. Jordan has continued to lead. He has continued to expect respect and obedience and I’ve been obedient at times and disrespectful at others.

Although I am still hurt and deeply disappointed the brunt of these feelings have begun to fade. My anger has calmed and my focus has changed from “getting him back… revenge” to what should I do now.

The thing that struck me the post as I read trying to find an answer was this…

Biblical submission and respect is not a reaction to, or dependent on our husband’s behavior. It is individual obedience to our Father’s command. (Why is She Smiling… Amy Williams)  It isn’t about if Jordan deserves it or not… it is the fact that I know submitting to Jordan is the right thing to do. Choosing to disobey my husband is a sin. Not only that, Jordan deserves my submission simply because he is my husband and I am his helper.

Another piece I read compared marriage to a business. Someone must be the boss. Someone must have the authority to have the final say. A business with more than one CEO will result in many quarrels due to differences in opinion. That’s what it is all about. Although I know Jordan has the last say, I am competing with the boss and rebelling against his God given authority.   

So, my decision is this… I will do my best to do what I know is right. I will obey Jordan and submit to his authority to the best of my ability. Submission is a choice and I will try my hardest to make that right choice each day.

I’ve decided not to discuss this with Jordan at this point. Instead I’ve chosen to make a sincere attempt at submitting and when he notices or brings it up I will explain myself. At that time I hope to also tell Jordan that I will leave the option to discipline open. I will leave it up to him to decide if he chooses to bring that aspect back into our relationship.

Thank you all for your support and your honesty.  Your sometimes gentle other times blunt encouragement to continue to submit to Jordan was much needed an appreciated <3



  1. I write...then delete. Not sure of the words I want to use.

    Basically, I appreciate this post. That sounds so stupid, but I'm not sure how else to say it. Thank you so much for sharing this.

    XOXO Pearl

  2. Thanks Pearl. I know you are having struggles of your own. I'm sure way to religious for some and just not what people believe for others, but for me this is my reasoning for continuing to do what is right♥ I hope things are getting better for you!

  3. Hi Lillyanna, sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Nevertheless, I am glad that things have calmed down a bit for you, especially as there can be nothing worse than deciding anything in anger. I just hope that everything turns out well for you and that communication happens without resentment and with a positive objective, so that the needs of both of you can be fulfilled.



    1. Thank you NiNa for your well wishes. Enhanced communication between us has been high on my prayer list. In time hopefully meaningful conversation regarding DD will flow freely♥ I hope you and your bundle of joy are doing well:)

  4. You came to exactly the right conclusion given the tenets of your faith -- and I knew you would arrive there. Good job!

    Having said that, waiting patiently, there is nothing wrong with asking for a maintenance or role affirmation spanking. Have you read Jason Girls post "Over His Lap"?

    1. Thank you for being confident that I would make the right choice. I did read Jason's Girls post. I enjoy reading there:) I am sure if I asked to be spanked Jordan will spank me but it will be erotic and while I enjoy that it doesnt give me the same reset, relaxed, loved, cherished feeling I get from a real role affirmation spanking. Jordan has said he is uncomfortable with spanking so I don't feel right asking him for anything other than erotic. In time it is my hope that they will evolve into something more just as theirs did♥

  5. Good luck as you go forward in your submission. Hope he realizes the role he needs to take to bring out your submissive side as you obey and submit


  6. ((Hugs)) Lillyana, I'm sorry I didn't get to comment on your previous post, though I have read. I'm glad it seems you are feeling a little better and hope things keep improving between you. Keep the communication lines open.


  7. Hi Lillyana,
    I'm a little late here - but I totally get your thoughts and totally agree with your conclusion. I did that myself when I was first learning about ttwd. I always wanted to be a submissive wife, had attended numerous Bible studies to improve my attitude, but still fell short when hubby didn't live up to my expectations. But I think ttwd does help us to implement that right attitude, and when we do it 'as unto the Lord', we find that deep satisfaction that we are craving. At least it was that way for me. I started submitting to my hubby in a more noticeable way before I ever approached him about it - and he did notice. He didn't say anything until we talked about it much later (he's a guy after all, lol) but he did say how much he appreciated it and he definitely had responded to it.
    I hope that it goes well with you too.