There is trouble in the Rose household. Inconsistency to the max! I have called the dynamic off a few times in the past because of similar circumstances like this. I promised myself I wouldn’t quit this time…. I just don’t know if the disappointment is worth this… I know it isn’t worth it.
There have been no spankings. Many threats of lashes (spanks with the tilt wand) even some you’re getting _ lashes but never with any follow through.
Have you ever been told you’re going to get spanked? - Sat in bed waiting for the kids to go to bed dreading the pain but longing for the emotional release and reconnection. And then your HOH goes to sleep… and you never get the spanking. Have you ever pushed all your HOH buttons just to try to get him to “Do something about it’!, But nothing happens…
These things have happened multiple times in the Rose household recently. In the past when this started to happen I quit right away. The emotional pain is torturous. Every time this happens (Jordan doesn’t follow through with a spanking or I push and he ignores it) I question my reason for even wanting this DD dynamic in the first place. I feel ashamed at myself for needing/wanting my husband to spank me. I am embarrassed that I feel so rejected because my husband didn’t do it. I feel unloved and invisible because despite my pushing his buttons in an attempt to feel his authority he isn’t reacting.
Communicate with him, that’s what all my fellow bloggers say I need to do. I’ve warned them that Jordan and I don’t communicate well but I’m so angry and I really need him to know how I feel so I take their advice. I send Jordan an email because I know if I try to talk to him he will shut me down. I know I won’t get to say the things I need to say.
I tell him I’m pushing because I need to feel him stop me. I let him know how hurt I am about the spankings he promised but never followed through on. I tell him I feel like he isn’t paying attention and I’m feeling out of control, invisible and unloved.
Jordan doesn’t understand. He gets angry. He says I’m never happy. He says he could give me the moon and the stars and there would still be something he missed. He is vanilla. He thinks I should be happy he didn’t beat my butt but I’m not happy and I wish he would.
I cry. I’m still crying.. I think I want to quit but know how empty I feel when I do. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve decided that when he decides to spank me I’m not going to let him. I've decided I need to learn not to need this.
This is “real” DD not the fairytale. It isn’t perfect. It hurts and not just from the spankings… and to be honest right now, I don’t think it is worth it.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way right now. Ugh I can SO relate .. inconsistency is SO hard. Sometimes I don't think they realize just how hard it is on us.
ReplyDeleteMy best advice is to communicate, communicate, oh and then communicate some more. I know it's tough, but it will be worth it!
Thanks for the kind words Kenzie♥
DeleteBig Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure all of us have gone through feelings like this before, it sucks. This lifestyle is hard, it's a lot of work, and it's seems like emotions good or bad are felt so much stronger. The only advice I have to to keep communicating, which I know is what everyone says. I think a letter is a good idea, you can tell him how his inconsistency feels like to you, how it makes you feel insecure in your relationship. I've definitely felt the way you have before, and it's taken two failed attempts over years. Finally this third time, he took control and researched, and that is why we've been successful now because he wants it, but it took a long time for him to wrap his head around everything. It's hard for them too, they struggle and they often don't talk about their struggles or concerns. When my husband used to be inconsistent, I didn't know how much he was internalizing, worrying about being too mean or whatever. We need to remember that they're not perfect either. You will find your way, it's just going to take time and equal amounts of effort on both your sides, sometimes that effort seems one sided, but you just have to keep trying. It is worth it.
Hugs
Thanks for your advice Jennelle. Jordan did lots of research in the very beginning and he knows very well how to be an HOH when he wants to. One thing for sure is this isn't easy!
DeleteIt does absolutely SUCK when it doesn't work out. It's like you don't know what hurts more--life without DD or life with inconsistent DD. It's a hard choice to make, because only YOU know if it will be worth giving up or not--the rest of us can guess at your situation or try to relate, but, in the end, everyone's experience is different.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you cannot talk to Jordan without him shutting you down. That's definitely going to be REALLY hard to work around. I can tell you something I've tried when my husband said the same thing to me ("You'll never be happy with anything I do.") It takes a ton of willpower and mindfulness, but try separating your emotions from your words when you talk to him. Speak to him very calmly and objectively..."I appreciate your effort SO much in this, this is what I would like to see happen...I know it may take time and effort and it will be a constant journey for us, but this would make me so happy." And if he responds in anger or frustration, don't match...try to be the solid rock of emotional tranquility throughout (like I said, REALLY hard to do).
I'm so sorry :( I hope you guys find a way through this and find a way to talk to each other.
Thanks Autumn. We have a really hard time with communication. I like your idea though. I think I've done really well this time with not trying to control things. I know he is super sensitive about me complaining about how he is leading so I've tried to be really positive and praise him for all the things he is doing right. Telling me he is going to spank and then not doing it is hard. Time will tell. I know we all have our ups and downs. Thanks for trying to help.
DeleteOkay, breathe. I know you have heard us all say we have been there before- I know that doesn't make you feel any better right now. What it does is have you go through posts in your mind and tell yourself, " No YOUR husband is more dominant than mine" I am here to tell you RIGHT here RIGHT now...he isn't!
ReplyDeleteYes you do need to communicate but what you can't do is pull consent. For that reason. Why? well as my husband and I have been down this road ( many times and have actually started communicating in a more fluid manner) I will tell you what Barney has told me after the fact. While I haven't actually ever pulled consent, I used to suggest we stop Dd a lot. It does several things to the 'non naturally dominant, vanilla man" first and foremost it sends him the message that you don't believe in him. That you don't trust his abilities ( yes he is inconsistent right now- but why? what is going on OUTSIDE of your home? Sometimes that plays a huge part on his actions INSIDE of your home) Basically he has already told you this, that YOU want more YOU are never happy...blah, blah. That statement shot you in the heart, but honestly it is more telling of him than it is a reflection of you. He feels he isn't good enough. And once they feel like that they loose their spanky/dominant mojo faster than you can say Dd.
When Barney says that I don't trust him. That I have no faith in him, I remind him that I would not be so disappointed time and time again when he doesn't follow through if I didn't TRUST that he was going to do what he said in the first place!
The worst thing you can do if he does decide to spank you is to say no- this time. You can talk about it after, but he needs to see your submission, not feel your resistance. You are not 'teaching him a lesson'. You would be crushing what little dominance he has left to show you.
What I suggest is to sit down...or write him and ask him questions. Ask him if he is stressed about something at work. Ask him if there is anything you can do for him, because you sense he is tired and off. Mention to him that you have noticed that he has been noticing your less than stellar behaviour, but falls asleep before he can take care of it. Ask him why he thinks he might be tired.
What Barney told me about always mentioning and not doing was that he wanted me to know that he was still seeing and thinking about Dd ( and I did once tell him I needed to know it) but when the time actually came to take care of it, he no longer was angry and it slipped his mind. I informed him that hurt me because it made me feel as if *I* had slipped his mind. I told him I appreciated that he saw what I did, but it was such and emotional roller coaster to hear one thing and not experience it later.
The last thing I am going to suggest is controversial. Controversial because some men were very turned off by this ( Barney wasn't) . There is a Kindle book that is $3.00 called Spank Her! A Tops View of TTWD. by Devlin O'Neil. Now I will forewarn you he does talk about spanking parties in there, but Jordan can gloss over that part. In the book this man has an uncanny ability to 'see' into the heart of a woman who needs to be spanked ( I read the book too and highlighted many things for my husband). He explains a great deal...again there are a lot of things that don't necessarily deal with a relationship, but Barney found his insight very useful in understanding 'me'.
Please though Lily, whatever you decide to do, make sure it is actually for the benefit of your heart. Don't let your emotions and desire to make a statement rule this situation. Men like Barney don't RISE to the challenge when pushed in such a manner. He needs reassurance not criticism. I learned that the difficult way. Maybe Jordan is the same?
Good Luck!
willie
You are so full of wisdom Willie. I like to read blogs from the start and I've seen the struggles others have gone through including you and Barney:) I know I shouldnt refuse to be spanked if he decides to do it and I will try my best to comply. I will also look into buying that book. Heck I have a really hard time myself with why do I want this. Jordan has told be before as Barney has told you that he was angry at the time told me he was going to spank and by bedtime thought it through and decided it was necessary. In his defense he doesn't enjoy spanking for punishment. I think I will talk to him about maintanance or role affirmation again when things settle down and see if he will trial it. Thanks for your help! ♥Lilly
DeleteOh shoot I forgot to mention one more thing....( I know enough already!) I think sometimes the best thing for us to do both as a woman in a Dd relationship and the less than overtly dominant man is to go and read someone's blog at the start. Someone who is now established ( um not me/us) and show our husbands how these men struggled too. Showing them posts with men who spank their wives on a regular basis, because we want to show them our desires, can actually paralyze them. Think of putting on a video of the Boston Marathon for someone who just started to run around the block. Some may find inspiration, but those who huff and puff around the block might find it too daunting :)
ReplyDeleteOh Lillyanna, I know just that feeling. I knew there was a punishment spanking coming. I was a nervous wreck. I picked him up from the airport, I was sick at my stomach... and he forgot.. There have been a couple of these. I too have pushed just for SOMETHING TO HAPPEN. The Man is naturally dominant, but wasn't big on in charge. I hate that you are hurting. This is not an easy road.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dana. I'm sure we have all been here at one time or another. I start really questioning myself and this dynamic when it has been a long time since a spanking. Like I told Willie I think I am going to try to get him to agree to maintainance when things settle down. I really hate that I push him and I wish I didn't. Im pretty sure he knows I am "bratting" and he doesn't like it! Hard times. ♥ Lilly
DeleteLillyanna... i am sensing pain and anguish and frustration here. All to be expected when you both are not on the same page. To give and take away consent is not the way to go. This is saying you are running the show so to speak. The thing that I feel you need to establish is if Jordan really is on board with this or if he thinks it is a phase. I am sure your sick to death of everyone saying communication is the key....but it is. Without it, you will continue to have these ups and downs , not being clear about your direction. I am sorry you are hurting. Try to reflect on the reasons why you want this. When you are settled again, share with Jordan your thoughts and feelings. It is a try, try, try again situation sometimes. Finding out what this lifestyle looks for the two of you is key. It is a rough and rocky road, hard to manuver thru but well worth the journey. Hang in there, don't close up or give up. Your journey has just begun.
ReplyDeleteHi Annabelle:) pain, anguish, frustration... was I that dramatic lol:)~ jk. You are absolutly right that withdrawling consent is trying to control things. I'm hurt right now so for now I'm just giving myself sometime for the feelings to pass. Thanks so much for commenting and I really appreciate your advice!
ReplyDeleteHi Lillanna, my name is George and I just finished reading your blog from the start. Sorry to hear that things are not going smoothly in the Rose household. I want to comment but unfortunately I have to leave for a trip in a few minutes and so it will have to wait until later. Until then I will wish you well and pray that things get better for you both.
ReplyDeleteHugs and Blessings,
George
Thanks for visiting George:) I hope you enjoy your trip. Feel free to comment when you return.
DeleteHi Lillanna, first I think you should know that I am a 63 year old man and have been married to the same woman for what will be 38 years this year. I am no expert on relations but we have certainly seen our share of ups and downs.
ReplyDeleteAbout 25 years ago I asked Nina to spank me. She is a vanilla girl and while she doesn’t understand it, she agreed and has become a good spanker. We do not spank for punishment, only for fun, stress relief, and play. She will rarely initiate a spanking so I can relate to what it is like to want your spouse to spank, but doesn’t unless you ask. Other than my being the spankee, I am the HOH. TTWD is not one size fits all, and everybody must find their own nitch. OK enough about me.
Willie is a dear friend and her words are wise. I just want to add a couple of thoughts. First, Christian DD or any other variation of TTWD is not a panacea to creating harmony in a relationship. It can be a catalyst that improves a marriage, but as you know any marriage requires a lot of work from both parties.
Most men don’t understand that when a woman is talking she is using verbalization to organize and prioritize her thoughts. Men go silent when they need to do the same. It causes misunderstandings because when a woman expresses her thoughts, a man thinks she is asking for things or complaining, when in reality they are only sharing what's on their mind. When men go silent, woman interpret that as they are angry or unhappy and try to get them to talk about what is on their mind, which only makes them upset and get more quiet. It really is a miracle that we can ever get along! Communication is great but if we don’t speak the same language we can talk all day and it accomplishes nothing but frustration.
I want to relate a personal situation. Nina used to express her thoughts about our house and cars. A house and requisite transportation is representative of how well a man provides for his family, so I took this as complaining/criticizing my ability to be a good provider. That lead me to hear every other thing she said as more complaining and criticism and I too told her she was never satisfied. Since then I have learned to know (most of the time) when she is verbalizing thoughts or really complaining about something. I might suggest you try complimenting Jordan on the job he is doing providing for y’all and show him your appreciation. If he is where I was perhaps it may help to ameliorate his feelings/perception about your state of satisfaction.
A counselor once gave me some good advice when things were rocky in our household. She said to think about what it was that attracted me to Nina in the beginning and write them down. If I could get past the hurt feelings and focus on those qualities, it would help us communicate with a more agreeable attitude. I did and it really helped.
I understand & love those after spanking feelings, but they alone are not enough. They are just a part (albeit an important part) of what makes living together what you want. As the kids get older it becomes more difficult to attend to your needs (our two are grown and on their own now), but be patient cause when they move out you can have the house to yourself all the time!
Lastly, I too will recommend a series of the best relationship books I have ever read by Barbara and Alan Peace. They are not spanking books, but have titles such as “Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps: How We're Different and What to Do About It” “Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes: The Ultimate Guide to the Opposite Sex”! They have numerous other great books also and you can google their name to find them. Before my daughter got married, I gave her their book, “Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love: Solving the Mystery of Attraction”.
Sorry to wrote such a novel, I do get garrulous at times! I wish you happiness and prosperity and if any of this helps, use it….if not, chalk it up as just a long winded comment.
Hugs and Blessings
George
Thanks for your words of wisdom George. We are taking things one day at a time. I have been spanked. I didn't refuse it. I've promised myself I won't withdraw consent and together with or without spankings this will work. Again, thanks for commenting.
ReplyDelete