Considering calling DD quits….

There is trouble in the Rose household. Inconsistency to the max! I have called the dynamic off a few times in the past because of similar circumstances like this. I promised myself I wouldn’t quit this time…. I just don’t know if the disappointment is worth this… I know it isn’t worth it.

There have been no spankings. Many threats of lashes (spanks with the tilt wand) even some you’re getting _ lashes but never with any follow through.

Have you ever been told you’re going to get spanked? - Sat in bed waiting for the kids to go to bed dreading the pain but longing for the emotional release and reconnection. And then your HOH goes to sleep… and you never get the spanking. Have you ever pushed all your HOH buttons just to try to get him to “Do something about it’!, But nothing happens…

These things have happened multiple times in the Rose household recently. In the past when this started to happen I quit right away. The emotional pain is torturous. Every time this happens (Jordan doesn’t follow through with a spanking or I push and he ignores it) I question my reason for even wanting this DD dynamic in the first place. I feel ashamed at myself for needing/wanting my husband to spank me. I am embarrassed that I feel so rejected because my husband didn’t do it. I feel unloved and invisible because despite my pushing his buttons in an attempt to feel his authority he isn’t reacting.

Communicate with him, that’s what all my fellow bloggers say I need to do. I’ve warned them that Jordan and I don’t communicate well but I’m so angry and I really need him to know how I feel so I take their advice. I send Jordan an email because I know if I try to talk to him he will shut me down. I know I won’t get to say the things I need to say.

I tell him I’m pushing because I need to feel him stop me. I let him know how hurt I am about the spankings he promised but never followed through on. I tell him I feel like he isn’t paying attention and I’m feeling out of control, invisible and unloved.

Jordan doesn’t understand. He gets angry. He says I’m never happy. He says he could give me the moon and the stars and there would still be something he missed. He is vanilla. He thinks I should be happy he didn’t beat my butt but I’m not happy and I wish he would.

I cry. I’m still crying.. I think I want to quit but know how empty I feel when I do. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve decided that when he decides to spank me I’m not going to let him. I've decided I need to learn not to need this.

This is “real” DD not the fairytale. It isn’t perfect. It hurts and not just from the spankings… and to be honest right now, I don’t think it is worth it.

Secret "Code" Phrases

Last evening we were outside hanging out with the kids. Jordan asked told me to do something. I thought it was something he should have just done himself and I mumbled under my breath as I walked away...

Jordan: "Lillyanna come here!"

Lilly walks slowly back towards Jordan and stands in front of him.

Jordan: "Did you say we need to go upstairs?"

Lilly: "No Sir"

Jordan: "Oh that's what I thought because I'd be happy to take you up there."

Lilly walks away and does what he asked her to do in the first place.


So many thoughts go through my head in this very quick couple of sentences.

#1. I feel annoyed about what Jordan told me to do. I'm annoyed because I believe it is just a test. A test of my submission, he told me to do it just to see what I would do.

#2. I fail the test miserably by doing what he asked but with a major attitude.

#3. Jordan calls me back to him.

#4. My heart sinks. I think I am in big trouble!

#5. Jordan gives me a chance to change my attitude.

#6. I am relieved that I haven't already earned a punishment spanking.

#7. I think about what happened last time Jordan sent me upstairs....

I was washing dishes and arguing with Jordan. The kids were in the playroom. Jordan came up behind me and puts his arms around me and whispered in my ear. I tried to resist but it is unsuccessful. Jordan whispered "Lillyanna Rose(as soon as he calls me that I know I'm in trouble)... I want you to go upstairs in our bedroom. Bare you bottom and stand in the corner. While you are standing there I want you to think about what you could have done differently that wouldn't have resulted in this spanking you are going to get."


I don't dare defy Jordan. I have already learned that lesson. He will make it worse! It can always be worse.....
I go to our bedroom bare my bottom and stand in the corner. Forehead touching the wall, legs spread a little more than shoulder apart, hands clasped at the small of my back and bottom stuck out. Just like Jordan had taught me.


While I stand there I think about a lot of things. It feels like forever. For one I think about how this has never happened before. Jordan saves punishments for after the kids are in bed. What will he do with the kids when he is upstairs spanking me? I also think about how he will spank me and what he might use to do it with. Last I think about how I wish I had responded to Jordan respectfully... How I wish I wasn't standing in this corner.


Jordan enters the room and sits on the bed. I feel him staring at me standing bare butt. He says "Lillyanna, Do you know why you are being punished?" I don't answer. In a harsher tone Jordan says, "Lillyanna Rose answer me know!!! Why are you being punished?" "Because I spoke to you disrespectfully and with an attitude," I reply. "That's exactly right! Bad choice... Come here Lilly," Jordan grumbles.


I walk to him avoiding eye contact. Jordan stands and positions me leaning over the bed. He warms my bottom quickly with quick sharp spanks with his hand. He stops and rubs and gropes and squeezes my punished cheeks. "I will not tolerate your destructive behavior Lillyanna Rose. I will not hesitate to send you right back upstairs," Jordan scolds. He sends me back to the corner.


I am relieved but surprised that the spanking is over. I stand in the corner. I expect Jordan to go back downstairs but I can feel him staring at me. I can tell that he is on his phone. "I don't know what it is going to take for you to understand that I am serious about this Lilly. When will you learn that I will not hesitate to blister your butt?" I hear Jordan say. He is walking towards me.


I feel the plastic tilt wand across both my hot globes. My cheeks naturally tense and he taps the wand against my thigh and says "do not clench." "10 lashes Lilly count them" Jordan instructs. He starts about 1/3 down my cheeks and brings the wand down across both globes at the same time. I hate the tilt wand! It stings so bad. "One" I count. Jordan continues skillfully down my bottom striking just below the previous lash all the way down my buttocks and upper thighs striping it perfectly. It takes everything in me not to move out of place and continue to count.


It is finally over and Jordan turns me around and hold me tight. He lightly rubs my spanked bottom while he says, "I set the alarm on my phone for fifteen minutes. You will stand in the corner until the timer goes off. Then you will join us down stairs with a better attitude." Jordan swats my bottom and leaves the room.


I complete my corner time thinking about how lucky I am that Jordan and I have adopted this Dd relationship and how in the past we would have carried on this disagreement for days. Not speaking to each other and growing further and further apart. I feel loved and taken care of and submissive. I return downstairs with a different attitude and a plan to "thank" Jordan later that night.


#8 I do the task he asked me to happily without an attitude.


Funny after one time of sending me upstairs... just the threat is enough to correct a bad attitude. I wonder how long it will take until I need a reminder? :)- What "code" phrases does your HOH have for you?