Monday, July 28, 2014

A Great Read...

A very wise lady recommended that I read a book called, "Spank Her" by Devlin O'Neil. It was a great book and I really appreciate her recommending it! The book explains the man's view of TTWD. We practice domestic discipline and erotic spanking and I didn't know a lot about TTWD but it turns out it can mean many different things. Anyways the book helped me understand a lot of the feelings that I have had for a very long time. At times I felt as though he could read my mind. I also shared the book with Jordan. Hopefully he will read it and learn some things about me/us too.

As an update about Jordan and I. I did not call dd quits. I've promised myself I won't withdraw consent. I know that DD is what I truly want and it makes me happy. We will take things one day at a time and with or without spankings we will make things work. I did get spanked. I didn't submit as gracefully as I would like to be able to. I did not refuse and I think if I would have I would have only gotten it worse:)-

Thanks to everyone who offered their prayers, kind words and advice. I truly appreciate it:)

Until next time,


Thursday, July 24, 2014

Considering calling DD quits….

There is trouble in the Rose household. Inconsistency to the max! I have called the dynamic off a few times in the past because of similar circumstances like this. I promised myself I wouldn’t quit this time…. I just don’t know if the disappointment is worth this… I know it isn’t worth it.

There have been no spankings. Many threats of lashes (spanks with the tilt wand) even some you’re getting _ lashes but never with any follow through.

Have you ever been told you’re going to get spanked? - Sat in bed waiting for the kids to go to bed dreading the pain but longing for the emotional release and reconnection. And then your HOH goes to sleep… and you never get the spanking. Have you ever pushed all your HOH buttons just to try to get him to “Do something about it’!, But nothing happens…

These things have happened multiple times in the Rose household recently. In the past when this started to happen I quit right away. The emotional pain is torturous. Every time this happens (Jordan doesn’t follow through with a spanking or I push and he ignores it) I question my reason for even wanting this DD dynamic in the first place. I feel ashamed at myself for needing/wanting my husband to spank me. I am embarrassed that I feel so rejected because my husband didn’t do it. I feel unloved and invisible because despite my pushing his buttons in an attempt to feel his authority he isn’t reacting.

Communicate with him, that’s what all my fellow bloggers say I need to do. I’ve warned them that Jordan and I don’t communicate well but I’m so angry and I really need him to know how I feel so I take their advice. I send Jordan an email because I know if I try to talk to him he will shut me down. I know I won’t get to say the things I need to say.

I tell him I’m pushing because I need to feel him stop me. I let him know how hurt I am about the spankings he promised but never followed through on. I tell him I feel like he isn’t paying attention and I’m feeling out of control, invisible and unloved.

Jordan doesn’t understand. He gets angry. He says I’m never happy. He says he could give me the moon and the stars and there would still be something he missed. He is vanilla. He thinks I should be happy he didn’t beat my butt but I’m not happy and I wish he would.

I cry. I’m still crying.. I think I want to quit but know how empty I feel when I do. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve decided that when he decides to spank me I’m not going to let him. I've decided I need to learn not to need this.

This is “real” DD not the fairytale. It isn’t perfect. It hurts and not just from the spankings… and to be honest right now, I don’t think it is worth it.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Secret "Code" Phrases

Last evening we were outside hanging out with the kids. Jordan asked told me to do something. I thought it was something he should have just done himself and I mumbled under my breath as I walked away...

Jordan: "Lillyanna come here!"

Lilly walks slowly back towards Jordan and stands in front of him.

Jordan: "Did you say we need to go upstairs?"

Lilly: "No Sir"

Jordan: "Oh that's what I thought because I'd be happy to take you up there."

Lilly walks away and does what he asked her to do in the first place.

So many thoughts go through my head in this very quick couple of sentences.

#1. I feel annoyed about what Jordan told me to do. I'm annoyed because I believe it is just a test. A test of my submission, he told me to do it just to see what I would do.

#2. I fail the test miserably by doing what he asked but with a major attitude.

#3. Jordan calls me back to him.

#4. My heart sinks. I think I am in big trouble!

#5. Jordan gives me a chance to change my attitude.

#6. I am relieved that I haven't already earned a punishment spanking.

#7. I think about what happened last time Jordan sent me upstairs....

I was washing dishes and arguing with Jordan. The kids were in the playroom. Jordan came up behind me and puts his arms around me and whispered in my ear. I tried to resist but it is unsuccessful. Jordan whispered "Lillyanna Rose(as soon as he calls me that I know I'm in trouble)... I want you to go upstairs in our bedroom. Bare you bottom and stand in the corner. While you are standing there I want you to think about what you could have done differently that wouldn't have resulted in this spanking you are going to get."

I don't dare defy Jordan. I have already learned that lesson. He will make it worse! It can always be worse.....
I go to our bedroom bare my bottom and stand in the corner. Forehead touching the wall, legs spread a little more than shoulder apart, hands clasped at the small of my back and bottom stuck out. Just like Jordan had taught me.

While I stand there I think about a lot of things. It feels like forever. For one I think about how this has never happened before. Jordan saves punishments for after the kids are in bed. What will he do with the kids when he is upstairs spanking me? I also think about how he will spank me and what he might use to do it with. Last I think about how I wish I had responded to Jordan respectfully... How I wish I wasn't standing in this corner.

Jordan enters the room and sits on the bed. I feel him staring at me standing bare butt. He says "Lillyanna, Do you know why you are being punished?" I don't answer. In a harsher tone Jordan says, "Lillyanna Rose answer me know!!! Why are you being punished?" "Because I spoke to you disrespectfully and with an attitude," I reply. "That's exactly right! Bad choice... Come here Lilly," Jordan grumbles.

I walk to him avoiding eye contact. Jordan stands and positions me leaning over the bed. He warms my bottom quickly with quick sharp spanks with his hand. He stops and rubs and gropes and squeezes my punished cheeks. "I will not tolerate your destructive behavior Lillyanna Rose. I will not hesitate to send you right back upstairs," Jordan scolds. He sends me back to the corner.

I am relieved but surprised that the spanking is over. I stand in the corner. I expect Jordan to go back downstairs but I can feel him staring at me. I can tell that he is on his phone. "I don't know what it is going to take for you to understand that I am serious about this Lilly. When will you learn that I will not hesitate to blister your butt?" I hear Jordan say. He is walking towards me.

I feel the plastic tilt wand across both my hot globes. My cheeks naturally tense and he taps the wand against my thigh and says "do not clench." "10 lashes Lilly count them" Jordan instructs. He starts about 1/3 down my cheeks and brings the wand down across both globes at the same time. I hate the tilt wand! It stings so bad. "One" I count. Jordan continues skillfully down my bottom striking just below the previous lash all the way down my buttocks and upper thighs striping it perfectly. It takes everything in me not to move out of place and continue to count.

It is finally over and Jordan turns me around and hold me tight. He lightly rubs my spanked bottom while he says, "I set the alarm on my phone for fifteen minutes. You will stand in the corner until the timer goes off. Then you will join us down stairs with a better attitude." Jordan swats my bottom and leaves the room.

I complete my corner time thinking about how lucky I am that Jordan and I have adopted this Dd relationship and how in the past we would have carried on this disagreement for days. Not speaking to each other and growing further and further apart. I feel loved and taken care of and submissive. I return downstairs with a different attitude and a plan to "thank" Jordan later that night.

#8 I do the task he asked me to happily without an attitude.

Funny after one time of sending me upstairs... just the threat is enough to correct a bad attitude. I wonder how long it will take until I need a reminder? :)- What "code" phrases does your HOH have for you?

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Status Quo

First I want to thank all of you who welcomed me to the world of blogging:) I am excited that my blog has reached over 120 hits. Pretty exciting! I have also enjoyed reading many of your blogs too and have done my best to say hello and introduce myself.

As far as DD goes things are “status quo”. I haven’t been feeling well (I have a chronic autoimmune disease) and that kind of puts things on hold for Jordan. Sometimes when I am sick is when I feel like I really need DD the most! It isn’t easy to maintain a submissive mind set and positive attitude when you’re experiencing a lot of pain. Unfortunately, Jordan usually ends up taking the brunt of my frustration. Sometimes I lose my patience with my kids which I feel super bad about: / So those are instances where I wish Jordan would step in and “help” me cope better with the pain and not feeling well. He disagrees though.

So, thankfully I am feeling better and I text Jordan if we could reconnect last night with some maintenance and some play time. He didn’t respond:| We did get a chance to reconnect last night though. We watched a movie together (Blended, it was a cute movie) and then reconnected romantically <3 It was wonderful of course but I was a little disappointed that we didn’t get back on track with DD.

I even broke a “rule” last night. Jordan scolded our son. He cried (he is very sensitive) and I got upset with Jordan for making him cry. I told him he should have used a softer tone… No punishment just a scolding for myself for interfering with his parenting.

I really need to accept that Jordan gets to decide when to spank and when and if he wishes to punish. Easier said than done!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Twister

The Twister

Yesterday I did something Jordan didn’t like. I was putting groceries away and he was sternly telling me never to do that something again. I was telling him I would do it again if I wanted to and then he got quiet. Quiet usually means trouble so that isn’t good.

We went outside to play with the kids for a while after the food was put away. I was angry with Jordan. He asked me a question and I didn’t answer which lead him to tell me to lose my attitude. We were outside and he didn’t say it quietly and I didn’t want anyone to hear anything so I did my best to play nice.

We recently purchased a badminton set and we were trying to teach the kids how to play. They were easily distracted and soon Jordan and I found ourselves on each side of the net with rackets in our hands. Jordan said, “Here’s your chance Lillyanna Rose. You’re getting 20 lashes tonight for your disrespectful behavior. If you can beat me in this game we will forget about them. At first I was angry because I didn’t want 20 lashes or any lashes for that matter! But, Jordan was serving and I wanted to at least try to get out of the punishment so I did my best to try to win. The game was fun. A few times we were tied but Jordan won.

The playfulness eased the tension over the disagreement and the punishment was forgotten until I put the kids were asleep. I knew once they were sleeping the “twister” (tilt wand ) was coming out and I was getting 20 lashes. 20 lashes with the twister is a lot!!! I haven’t been doing very well with submitting to spankings so I tried to psych myself up and get in the submissive mindset to just obey Jordan and do what he tells me to but it didn’t work :/

Jordan got out of bed to make sure the kids were sleeping and came back in the bedroom and locked the door. He got the twister and told me to take my panties off but I couldn’t move. Jordan’s voice got increasingly stern but I didn’t budge. Then he grabbed my arm and brought me to the edge of the bed. ( Not sure how to get better at this part? Any ideas? What do your HOH’s do if you don’t obey their commands? ) I removed my panties, got in position and buried my head in the bed.

Jordan rested his hand on my bottom. He said, “you are getting 10 strikes. You will count each one. Do you understand Lillyanna?” “Crack” “When I tell you not to do something you say yes Sir. You do not tell me what you are going to do. If you do we will end up back here.” “Crack” I shot up trying to protect my butt. Jordan gently pushed me back down. “I don’t hear any counting Lillyanna Rose! We are starting over.” (Crack) One (whack) Two (Swat) Three please stop Jordan it hurts too much! (Crack) four (Swat) five (Whack) Please Jordan you’re hurting me. (Swat) six “That’s the point Lilly. Spankings hurt” Jordan says. (Whack) (Whack) (Whack) seven, eight, nine Oww Jordan oww please stop (Craaaaaack) ten. Then Jordan rubbed and spanked each cheek with his hand.

I did an awful job submitting to the punishment. I feel really bad about that. The sting in my bottom was intense but faded fast. Jordan held me in bed but I didn’t really even want to be held. He wanted me to pleasure him and I did but it wasn’t like it normally is after a punishment. Usually I feel super close to Jordan after a punishment and the intimacy after a spanking is usually intense. I know he could tell things weren’t the same but he didn’t do or say anything. After pleasuring him instead of snuggling with him I got on my side of the bed and faced the wall.

Maybe the spanking wasn’t enough. The twister is intense and I was so focused on just getting through the pain. I didn’t allow myself to submit to Jordan. I never got to the point that I was sorry for what I said. I didn’t reach the point of just accept the spanking I deserve it. Today my bottom isn’t sore. I don’t have that just spanked high. He gave me what I wanted. I wanted this DD relationship and this time I feel like I failed him.