Attitude Day #6...

 

 

 Attitude day #6 was apparently the last straw....

 It was last Saturday. We did the normal run the kids around to sports busy morning thing and then for once, something very unusual, we didn't have any other plans for the day.

 I was excited to spend the day at home.

However, Jordan had other plans... he wanted to shop for some winterizing items he needed to seal up some of the drafts we get in our old home.

I didn't want to go with him.

                        #1 I was happy to have a day to spend at home.

                        #2 It wasn't anything I wanted to shop for.

                        #3 Jordan had said something that really hurt my feelings earlier that day.

 
Somehow  that afternoon we had gotten on the subject of DD. (never a good thing for us... always ends up in an argument) Jordan was fussing about me still not doing something I was really procrastinating on. Earlier that week he spoke to me about it also. I had told him I just lacked the motivation to get it done and asked him to “help” me get motivated. He said, I will give you tasks to do. You do them and you will be rewarded... You don't you will be punished. Perfect:) Ecstatic I agreed immediately.   

The week continued on. Jordan never assigned any "tasks", I didn't bring our agreement up and the task was left undone.

 Saturday Jordan decided he was going to scold me about it. He teased that I just want him to tell me what to do and for him to “make” me do it. He said, "Your an adult I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. You know what needs to be done!"

His words hurt. I thought he had been serious about our agreement earlier that week.... Apparently not. What he said was the truth. That is what I want. Unfortunately he didn't understand why I would want/need that. Tears sprung to my eyes. I didn't argue with him though... I just continued on with my day... acting as if everything was ok.... feeling broken.

Not long after that incident, Jordan was telling me to get ready, we were going shopping.

I told him I didn't want to go. Even told him he had hurt my feelings... Which he ignored of course... he probably didn't even have any idea how he hurt my feelings... and insisted we were going.

Reluctantly I complied and together as a family we went to multiple stores looking for what we needed. I was distant but respectful..... Until…. he insisted I try the middle seat in his new truck. He wanted me to sit close to him. I refused. Reminding him he had hurt my feelings.  

"How?" he asked looking at me as if I was crazy.  "Now I said slide over here!"

 I was angry now... he should know why my feelings were hurt.

 
I ignored the warning glares... the repeated commands... but not the "I will deal with you later!"

"No... You won't," I hissed. "I'm an adult!!! Remember that Jordan!!!!"

The remainder of the ride home was silent.

I regretted what I had done. I was ashamed that I had defied Jordan... especially in front of our children. We try to set a positive example of what a Godly marriage looks like and I failed miserably.

There was no doubt in my mind that attitude day #6 was going to be the end of our "Off" streak. I was in trouble. Big trouble and it wasn't going to be for my attitude.

I was right. That night before bed I was punished. We both felt better afterword's. We reconnected. All should have been right again.

I read a post on Learning Domestic Discipline this week, Inconsistency vs Priorities,that made a lot of sense to me. A lot of times Jordan doesn’t punish for things that I think he should so I think he is being inconsistent. But… there are certain things that I know without a doubt I will be spanked for. So maybe it isn’t inconsistency… maybe it is a difference in opinion of what constitutes a spankable offence.

I wish Jordan understood/respected my reasoning for wanting/needing DD better. I wish he read my blog and the stories I write (after all they are a clear look inside my heart and mind) but this is a new lifestyle for him, one that he isn’t as educated about or as concerned about as myself. I asked him for this and I will try to be grateful for each step in the DD direction that he takes us.

So far, since the punishment, he has taken on a much more HOH’y tone and fortunately for me I like it:)-

 

I Don’t Like Your Attitude….

 

“Lillyanna, I don’t like your attitude. I think it’s timed we fix it.”  Jordan scolded. “Your patients just aren’t there Lilly.”

It took every ounce of submission I had not to laugh and roll my eyes at him. This was the third day in a row Jordan had commented on my “attitude”. Nothing had been done about it up until this point and I didn’t expect tonight to be any different. The evening continued as usual. My attitude was gaining force as the hours passed by. My mood was sassy and sarcastic and other than a few warning glares Jordan took no action.

After the kids were asleep I entered our bedroom to turn in for the night and I found Jordan sitting on the edge of the bed. Beside him I saw various implements. He opened his arms for me to come to him. I stood in the door way out of his reach.

“I don’t want a spanking anymore Jordan,” I hissed. “This whole DD thing is a joke!” I walked over to my side of the bed and got in. Typically I lay on my side but I needed to protect my bottom just in case so I was on my back.

“You don’t decide when you get a spanking Lilly,” Jordan said sternly while turning himself towards me in the bed. “I am the boss around here!!! I think you may have forgotten your role! Now I suggest you make a good choice and position yourself for a spanking!.”

I knew he was right. I needed a spanking. I needed to be reminded of my role. I needed it three days ago! My submissiveness wasn’t there and I was angry about his inconsistency. Jordan doesn’t play fair. He lets me get way out of control before he intervenes. I’ve told him I needed him to step up sooner. Act as soon as he notices an “attitude” problem. So in my mind it was his fault I was acting this way.

“Ok Lillyanna Rose. Have it your way. Now instead of a reset you will be punished,” Jordan scolded as he stood retrieving something from our drawer of toys.

Before I even realized what was happening he was on his knees next to be trying to turn me over to spank my bottom. I resisted as much as I could.

“OK,” He snarled. “You want to fight me… then we will do it this way,” he growled as he lifted both my legs with his chiseled arms.

 

“No!!!” I cried out. “Not like this. I promise I will turn over Jordan. Please!”

Jordan had me in the diaper position and it was humiliating.  I never saw it coming. I had no idea he even knew a thing about this position. I pleaded with him while he rained sharp slaps all over my taught bottom. My pussy was exposed to him and he spanked that too.

When he was satisfied with the warm up he caressed my warm cheeks, ran his fingers along my slit and commented about how wet I was.

Sometimes I hate how my body betrays me. I didn’t like it. I shouldn’t  have been wet!

“Since this is now a punishment Lilly, you will not be permitted to cum,” Jordan said happily. “But that doesn’t mean that I won’t bring you to the brink… repeatedly, he giggled. “I love this position. Such perfect views of that wet pussy and hot ass.”

Jordan relentlessly teased my pussy fingering me in-between spanks and caresses.  When I neared my peaked he covered my bottom thoroughly with strikes of the leather paddle. The sting was so much more severe than I was used to with my bottom stretched taught the way he was holding me. It didn’t take long for me to start squirming and pleading with him to stop.

Suddenly I felt three harsh whacks with the tilt wand across my sit spots. Quickly I felt the paddle being rubbed over my sore cheeks again.

“Lillyanna you know better than to squirm! 10 more and keep still or you will get three more with the twister and we will start the 10 over.” Crack… “Do you understand me?”

“Yes sir,” I whined but remained still. Tears started running down my face and I lost count. I was relieved when I felt his hand caressing me. Suddenly two fingers thrust into my pussy fucking me in and out. The fingers slid out and Jordan rubbed the wetness on my puckered bottom hole. I clenched instinctively and immediately felt three hard strikes from the tilt wand across the center of my bottom. Soon his fingers returned and I relaxed for him.

Jordan alternated between fingering my pussy and circling my bottom with my wetness. Almost reaching my peak he entered my bottom and began stretching it. Soon the finger was replaced with our small rubber plug and he fucked my bottom in and out with it repeatedly.

“Oh my God Lilly this is so hot!,” Jordan panted. “I think I may come just from touching you,” he said as he rubbed the wooden spoon over my bottom patting my pussy and rectum.

Suddenly I awoke to the sound of the alarm. Unfortunately it was just a dream. Looks like today will be attitude day #4…..

We're going to clear the air...

So, a few days after the "fall out" Jordan announced that we would "fix" things tonight.

After the kids had been sleeping for a bit I asked Jordan if he was ready to talk.

"What is there to talk about?" he questioned. "We are going to clear the air. Take your bottoms off."

Not what I expected! I thought we were going to talk about things. I made a split second decision to obey Jordan. (Typically he has to tell me many times before I obey :)- I've been trying to get better about that!) I took my pants and panties off. "Turn over." Thinking I was going to get a spanking, I obeyed. "Good girl." (I love when he says that :p) I heard Jordan rustling around in the toy drawer. I assumed he was retrieving an implement.

Next I felt his hand rest on my bottom. I instinctively clenched in anticipation of the first spank. Instead I felt cool lube being poured on my crack. I wanted things to be better. I didn't want things to feel tense anymore. So, I didn't resist as I typically do. I felt him rub our small rubber plug up and down my split. "Good girl Lilly. Take a deep breath in.." and I felt the burn of the plug fill me. Then I thought either play time or spanking would come next. Jordan patted my bottom over the plug and said, "stay put."

Jordan returned to his side of the bed and proceeded to watch TV. A bit confused I did my best to be still. It felt like he left me that way for a long time. I'm not sure exactly how long it was. It felt almost like corner time to me. Besides position it was almost the same. Remaining in position exposed in front of my HOH until he gave me permission to move. I spent the time reflecting on what had gotten us to this point and what I could do differently in the future to prevent it from happening again.

When Jordan was ready he moved to my side. "You are going to get ten lashes to Clear The Air and reset us. Be a good girl. Be still and count each strike."

Jordan spanked but not hard. Even with the tilt wand it was a very light spanking. Done with the 10 strikes he rubbed and spanked with his hand heating me up before bringing his hard cock to my wanting mouth. I sucked him eagerly while he swatted my bottom and played with the plug.

Nearing his peak Jordan positioned me over some pillows and took me forcefully from behind.

The remainder of the night was spent snuggled tight with the air cleared and our world righted again.

Here's to hoping it stays that way! Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement during our rocky period. Life won't always run smoothly... this I know <3

Maintenance is a......

 

 

 

 

After my last post I spoke with Jordan about my desire to start maintenance spankings in addition to our normal punishment spankings.

We discussed it for a while and Jordan stood firm that he was not interested in maintenance.

His reasoning is what we are doing is working well.

He is concerned that maintenance will get me “used” to spankings and punishments won’t be as effective.

Last but not least. Discipline is serious. Pleasure is play. Play is erotic.

So while I still don’t like punishment spankings we are experimenting more with erotic spankings and adding some D/s play into it.

I can’t complain… Actually… it has been pretty amazing.

 

 

The Submissive's Role During Punishment Spankings

 

 

 

 



Saturday night my bad attitude earned me a punishment spanking. Once again I totally sucked at submitting to it. Jordan was beyond frustrated afterwards. I asked for this. I wanted him to lead me... to lead our family. I agreed to him spanking me when I get out of line, but when the time comes I panic.

I got the spanking even though I fought it the entire time. When it was over I knew it wasn't effective; so did Jordan. He was angry and he said, "You need this and I will spank your ass every time you misbehave but until you do your part and submit to your punishment it will never help."

WOW!!! Those words gave me a lot to think about.

Yesterday I spent sometime soul searching and internet surfing looking for some answers... some clarification to the truth about what Jordan had to say and I came across a great article. Read it yourself here

http://rncblog.blogspot.com/2007/06/essay-preparing-for-punishment.html

After reading the article I had a better understanding of what Jordan meant. It is his responsibility to lead and provide correction when needed but I have a responsibility too. My responsibility is to completely submit to each punishment once he has determined that it is needed.

* Instead of attempting to get out of the spanking, I need to apologize for what I did to deserve it and sincerely feel remorseful.

* Instead of  defying him when he tells me to undress or to get into position, I need to obey him willingly.

* Instead of feeling panicked when it is time to be punished, I need to take deep breaths and relax. I need to remind myself that Jordan would never hurt me and remember just how much my bottom can really take without any lasting damage.

* Instead of trying to get away and protect my bottom from the spanking, I need to concentrate on why I am being spanked and how I can avoid it in the future.

* Instead of feeling angry after the spanking,  I need to allow him to comfort me and forgive me like he wants to.

* Instead of complaining about the spanking afterwards, I need to thank him for it.

Easier said than done when your bottom looks like this after the spanking!!!

But I will try harder and next time when he reaches his hand out to lead... I will be strong enough to follow<3



The Twister

The Twister

Yesterday I did something Jordan didn’t like. I was putting groceries away and he was sternly telling me never to do that something again. I was telling him I would do it again if I wanted to and then he got quiet. Quiet usually means trouble so that isn’t good.

We went outside to play with the kids for a while after the food was put away. I was angry with Jordan. He asked me a question and I didn’t answer which lead him to tell me to lose my attitude. We were outside and he didn’t say it quietly and I didn’t want anyone to hear anything so I did my best to play nice.

We recently purchased a badminton set and we were trying to teach the kids how to play. They were easily distracted and soon Jordan and I found ourselves on each side of the net with rackets in our hands. Jordan said, “Here’s your chance Lillyanna Rose. You’re getting 20 lashes tonight for your disrespectful behavior. If you can beat me in this game we will forget about them. At first I was angry because I didn’t want 20 lashes or any lashes for that matter! But, Jordan was serving and I wanted to at least try to get out of the punishment so I did my best to try to win. The game was fun. A few times we were tied but Jordan won.

The playfulness eased the tension over the disagreement and the punishment was forgotten until I put the kids were asleep. I knew once they were sleeping the “twister” (tilt wand ) was coming out and I was getting 20 lashes. 20 lashes with the twister is a lot!!! I haven’t been doing very well with submitting to spankings so I tried to psych myself up and get in the submissive mindset to just obey Jordan and do what he tells me to but it didn’t work :/

Jordan got out of bed to make sure the kids were sleeping and came back in the bedroom and locked the door. He got the twister and told me to take my panties off but I couldn’t move. Jordan’s voice got increasingly stern but I didn’t budge. Then he grabbed my arm and brought me to the edge of the bed. ( Not sure how to get better at this part? Any ideas? What do your HOH’s do if you don’t obey their commands? ) I removed my panties, got in position and buried my head in the bed.

Jordan rested his hand on my bottom. He said, “you are getting 10 strikes. You will count each one. Do you understand Lillyanna?” “Crack” “When I tell you not to do something you say yes Sir. You do not tell me what you are going to do. If you do we will end up back here.” “Crack” I shot up trying to protect my butt. Jordan gently pushed me back down. “I don’t hear any counting Lillyanna Rose! We are starting over.” (Crack) One (whack) Two (Swat) Three please stop Jordan it hurts too much! (Crack) four (Swat) five (Whack) Please Jordan you’re hurting me. (Swat) six “That’s the point Lilly. Spankings hurt” Jordan says. (Whack) (Whack) (Whack) seven, eight, nine Oww Jordan oww please stop (Craaaaaack) ten. Then Jordan rubbed and spanked each cheek with his hand.

I did an awful job submitting to the punishment. I feel really bad about that. The sting in my bottom was intense but faded fast. Jordan held me in bed but I didn’t really even want to be held. He wanted me to pleasure him and I did but it wasn’t like it normally is after a punishment. Usually I feel super close to Jordan after a punishment and the intimacy after a spanking is usually intense. I know he could tell things weren’t the same but he didn’t do or say anything. After pleasuring him instead of snuggling with him I got on my side of the bed and faced the wall.

Maybe the spanking wasn’t enough. The twister is intense and I was so focused on just getting through the pain. I didn’t allow myself to submit to Jordan. I never got to the point that I was sorry for what I said. I didn’t reach the point of just accept the spanking I deserve it. Today my bottom isn’t sore. I don’t have that just spanked high. He gave me what I wanted. I wanted this DD relationship and this time I feel like I failed him.

Confused

Jordan spanked me only seven days ago. A “real” spanking. A punishment spanking. So, I can’t understand why I am already longing to be over his knee again. Truthfully I don’t understand why I want Jordan to spank me at all. Honestly I feel pretty ashamed by it.

I don’t like punishment spankings. I get very panicked before Jordan punishes me. I continue to struggle with preparing for punishments and staying in place for spankings. I, like most spanked wives, love the feelings that being punished give me. I like feeling loved, cherished, safe and taken care of. I love what it does to our relationship. I love how we always feel reconnected and “in love” after a spanking.

Jordan and I were having a big fight before my last spanking. We spent some time giving one another the silent treatment, went to bed angry and ended up text fighting. I feel very insecure about my relationship when things aren’t going well between Jordan and me. After the spanking I felt like in an instant everything had changed. Prespanking Jordan was angry and disappointed in me. I was frustrated and angry with him. Post / during spanking I felt Jordan’s love for me and those bad feelings were gone.

I didn’t cry from the spanking but my bottom was very sore and I was in a very submissive state of mind after the punishment. Jordan held me tight right on his lap. I felt loved cherished cared for even thankful that he had punished me. A sore bottom was a small price to pay to end the destructive feelings that we were having.

Often after spankings I have a strong desire to please Jordan. Intercourse is not allowed immediately after punishments because Jordan doesn’t want me to associate the pain of a spanking with the pleasure of intercourse. He feels it would defeat the “try to avoid” punishment purpose. I am allowed to pleasure Jordan though and I often pleasure him orally to thank him for “leading” me.

I pleasured Jordan after my last punishment. Then Jordan and I snuggled and watched some TV. Jordan asked me to rub his neck and I did so happily. After the massage Jordan held me tight and we went to sleep. In the morning I heard Jordan’s alarm and I woke up with him and we talked and snuggled in bed. Jordan had to work that day and I truly missed him while he was gone. My bottom was still sore and when I sat down I was turned on. I wanted Jordan inside of me. I sent him naughty text messages throughout the day.

When Jordan got home from work I met him excitedly at the door. I made him one of his favorite dinners and deserts. He helped me with the finishing touches in the kitchen. We flirted playfully and Jordan fondled my bottom every chance that he had. We worked together to get things picked up and we put the kids to bed as a team.

As soon as the kids went to bed I gave Jordan a nice back massage without him asking and he rewarded me with some passionate love making. Things felt wonderful between us and we were happy.

As time passed I feel like things are slipping back to the norm. Jordan tells me to do something and I resent it. I fall asleep when Jordan’s watching TV. Intimacy is average and I feel as though sometimes pleasuring Jordan is a chore. I have a bad attitude and respond to him with sassiness. I don’t have the eagerness to please him. How can things change so fast? I don’t understand. I want things to feel good again. Unfortunately I don’t know anything other than a spanking that will do the trick.

Jordan also noticed the change in my attitude. He came right out and asked me if I needed a spanking last night and he was giving me the you’re on thin ice “look” frequently. I even thought he might even spank me for my attitude last. I don’t want a spanking though. I just want the feelings that come along with a spanking back.

Am I crazy? Should I already need to be spanked again? Do any of you have similar feelings?