It was last Saturday. We did the normal run the kids around to sports busy morning thing and then for once, something very unusual, we didn't have any other plans for the day.
I was excited to spend the day at home.
However, Jordan had other plans... he wanted to shop for some winterizing items he needed to seal up some of the drafts we get in our old home.
I didn't want to go with him.
#1 I was happy to have a day to spend at home.
#2 It wasn't anything I wanted to shop for.
#3 Jordan had said something that really hurt my feelings earlier that day.
Somehow that afternoon we had gotten on the subject of DD. (never a good thing for us... always ends up in an argument) Jordan was fussing about me still not doing something I was really procrastinating on. Earlier that week he spoke to me about it also. I had told him I just lacked the motivation to get it done and asked him to “help” me get motivated. He said, I will give you tasks to do. You do them and you will be rewarded... You don't you will be punished. Perfect:) Ecstatic I agreed immediately.
The week continued on. Jordan never assigned any "tasks", I didn't bring our agreement up and the task was left undone.
Saturday Jordan decided he was going to scold me about it. He teased that I just want him to tell me what to do and for him to “make” me do it. He said, "Your an adult I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. You know what needs to be done!"
His words hurt. I thought he had been serious about our agreement earlier that week.... Apparently not. What he said was the truth. That is what I want. Unfortunately he didn't understand why I would want/need that. Tears sprung to my eyes. I didn't argue with him though... I just continued on with my day... acting as if everything was ok.... feeling broken.
Not long after that incident, Jordan was telling me to get ready, we were going shopping.
I told him I didn't want to go. Even told him he had hurt my feelings... Which he ignored of course... he probably didn't even have any idea how he hurt my feelings... and insisted we were going.
Reluctantly I complied and together as a family we went to multiple stores looking for what we needed. I was distant but respectful..... Until…. he insisted I try the middle seat in his new truck. He wanted me to sit close to him. I refused. Reminding him he had hurt my feelings.
"How?" he asked looking at me as if I was crazy. "Now I said slide over here!"
I was angry now... he should know why my feelings were hurt.
I ignored the warning glares... the repeated commands... but not the "I will deal with you later!"
"No... You won't," I hissed. "I'm an adult!!! Remember that Jordan!!!!"
The remainder of the ride home was silent.
I regretted what I had done. I was ashamed that I had defied Jordan... especially in front of our children. We try to set a positive example of what a Godly marriage looks like and I failed miserably.
There was no doubt in my mind that attitude day #6 was going to be the end of our "Off" streak. I was in trouble. Big trouble and it wasn't going to be for my attitude.
I was right. That night before bed I was punished. We both felt better afterword's. We reconnected. All should have been right again.
I read a post on Learning Domestic Discipline this week, Inconsistency vs Priorities,that made a lot of sense to me. A lot of times Jordan doesn’t punish for things that I think he should so I think he is being inconsistent. But… there are certain things that I know without a doubt I will be spanked for. So maybe it isn’t inconsistency… maybe it is a difference in opinion of what constitutes a spankable offence.
I wish Jordan understood/respected my reasoning for wanting/needing DD better. I wish he read my blog and the stories I write (after all they are a clear look inside my heart and mind) but this is a new lifestyle for him, one that he isn’t as educated about or as concerned about as myself. I asked him for this and I will try to be grateful for each step in the DD direction that he takes us.
So far, since the punishment, he has taken on a much more HOH’y tone and fortunately for me I like it:)-
I would say that when we started out with this dynamic change I felt the way you are feeling right now about 90% of the time. As we have changed and evolved, that gap has slowly and steadily decreased. Sure sometimes we would jump in one direction quickly, then go back again, but overall we have traveled along closing that gap as we go.
ReplyDeleteThat time spent feeling alone, needing more, feeling unheard and unnoticed is so DAMN lonely. You've been there, you know what I mean. It is mainly indescribable to our partners. I know that I have yet to find a way (other than blogging and journaling to him) to explain how horrible it feels.
Like you, I crave his direction and his consistency in helping me to get to where I need to be. It's hard not to take it personally and feel silly when you are reminded that "you are an adult".
It's not easy at all to feel all that you're feeling. I'm thinking of you and I hope that you can journal to him or maybe have him read your blog.
Thanks for your support Pearl. I always tell Jordan when I post and then later ask if he read it.. he says he isn't in to that kind of stuff. Can't make him want to know what I write. Sometimes things feel like they are going great and then others feel so lonely. Such is life I guess. One day at a time.
ReplyDeleteHi Lillyanna,
ReplyDeleteI wandered over here from Bonnie's MBS blog. I was wondering if you've tried to write letters in a journal directly to Jordan? That method of communication seemed to work pretty well for my fiancé and me. Recently, we have hit huge break in our spanking related activities due to unforeseen circumstances which has put a big damper on things for me, but our communication is still there which is helping some. I definitely know that feeling of loneliness that the guys just don't seem to understand. Good luck!
-Jay
Hi Jay. Im glad you wandered over this way:) That's a good idea! Did your fiance write back or was it just you writing? I'm going to talk to Jordan about it:) Sorry your unable to spank at the moment.
DeleteHe never actually wrote back because my letters to him were more of a way to let him in on what was going through my mind. I had trouble communicating my feelings and he sometimes had trouble listening especially if we were having a disagreement. Some days it was simply, "Work really sucked and I missed you today. Could we make love and cuddle tonight?" Other days it was, "What you said really hurt me earlier because it seemed like you didn't care about my feelings." I also used it to share what I enjoyed or didn't enjoy about new things we were trying, e.g. new toys or implements. It's just another way to share what you're feeling and more importantly not feel horrible over a miscommunication problem which always happens when one or both fail to communicate.
DeleteI wrote a post back on July 23rd that I think sums up a lot of what couples tend to forget that have always helped relationships stay strong. Hopefully the following link will get you to the right page.
http://relativity0218.blogspot.com/2014/07/relationship-observationsadvice.html
Thanks Jay:) I will check it out!
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