Wednesday, December 10, 2014

So... Now what???

I’ve been sitting here staring at my blank screen with tears streaming down my face trying to decide “Now What???”

As most of you know DD has been a rocky road for Jordan and I. We’ve stopped and restarted a few times… For me honestly it has been more of a source of disappointment and hurt than good. The only thing I don’t regret is implementing DD to serve as a reunification tool after our separation.

DD brought us back together after things seemed unrepairable. We were able to love again when our “in love” had been lost. Unfortunately I embraced the concept much more than Jordan did and time and time again we’ve battled inconsistency and lack of ownership and effort.

Two days ago…. I revoked my consent to DD. For once it wasn’t during a time of punishment when I decided to quit because I’ve been there done that and Jordan doesn’t allow that to happen. For some time now I’ve attempted to reach out to Jordan to communicate about DD; to discuss if he even wanted this because it didn’t seem like he did. I tried a fellow bloggers idea of journaling. He didn’t acknowledge it. I tried texting… he gave vague responses or ignored those texts completely. I tried conversations and he didn’t respond. I offered reading material to “help” him understand. As far as I know it was never read.

Eventually defeated… broken… I decided to protect myself, my heart, from further pain and disappointment and ended, I believe for the last time, our DD agreement.

Jordan confessed he just wasn’t comfortable spanking for discipline. In the past he has expressed his displeasure in feeling like he is parenting another child. He doesn’t want DD. That is clear…. But I do:/ So Now What?

I am hurt and angry. I feel vulnerable…  like I put my heart out there and it has been trampled.

I insisted that without DD he speak to me as an equal and not attempt to control what I do.

That has presented a problem… Can you ever go back to the way life was before DD after living it???

We’ve been doing this for almost two years. Every time we quit we’ve quickly resumed. Jordan has become accustomed to being respected and obeyed and I’ve become accustomed to respecting and obeying… checking in… considering what he would want me to do… asking first. He wants that to continue.  He doesn’t like me doing as I please. But that’s what he wanted isn’t it?

It feels wrong in a way to suddenly think independently and do my own thing. Somewhat because I’m used to Jordan leading… but there is a bigger nagging feeling. The whole foundation of our DD relationship was to use DD as a tool to help us assume the roles God intended for husbands and wives; for me ‘the wife’ to submit to my husband and for him ‘the husband’ to lead our family. So can I submit simply because that’s what God, as a wife, has commanded me to do? Do I have the self-discipline to submit without the threat of spankings or punishment?

Honestly I think I can… it is what Jesus would want me to do… but right now I don’t want to. I don’t feel like he deserves my obedience and I know that is awful… sinful.

Jordan wants to continue with erotic spankings. I asked him not to. I just want to close this chapter. If I could erase it.. I would! But… he did it anyways. Just last night… and it felt amazing and I loved it… but I wish I didn’t.

As far as the blog goes, I spent a lot of time thinking about whether to just gracefully disappear or stay honest and here I am bearing my soul. I guess, in hopes that somewhere out there, there is another lady going through the same thing and if nothing else she will know she is not alone.


  1. Big hugs my friend! I have been in your same place many many times. I am praying for you. I also know how tempting it is to stop being a submissive wife when he doesn't "deserve it", but he does. Just being your husband means he deserves it. I know it's hard and I have no advice on how to do it. I am not throwing stones because I am right there with you when H hurts me with casting aside my wants and desires. I also know that it does no marriage good to fuel fires even when someone is hurting. I will pray for you Lillyanna and for your husband.❤️


    1. Thanks for your honesty Kris♡ I need to hear that I need to do the right thing even when it isn't the easy thing to do. Thanks for the prayers♥

  2. Oh Lillyana, big giant hugs sent your way! My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have been through quite a lot, and I have to commend your resolve to work on your marriage these past few months. Good for you.

    I can only speak from a position of having been married a very long time, and having gone through some rough periods through the years. Marriage does take tons of work and you have put that into this. I am sure that it is not easy to have your husband appear less invested than you. That has to be tough.

    You know, what I am thinking is that Dd is a tool. The major piece of this is communicating. And I always come back to the most important sentence that I learned a few years ago. That is "Tell him what you need." At the same time, perhaps you can have a very direct and still respectful conversation where you ask him the very same thing. If not Dd and what you have been doing now, then what? At the end of the day, we can do all that we learn Dd wise, but what we really need is for someone to pay attention to us, treat us with respect and love us for who we are. Spanking or no spanking. So if you can bring yourself to do it. Arrange to sit down together and talk about all of it. What does he want from you. What does he need from you? What do you want and need from him. How are you going to meet each others' needs? Does that make sense?

    I know that everyone practices ttwd differently. I can only speak for myself in saying that I think that one of the most important parts of this is playfulness and fun to balance out the occasional discipline stuff. It is all a balance. Are you incorporating that into your dynamic? That is just food for thought, and some may poo poo that, which is perfectly fine. But being able to have fun together is another important part of marriage/serious relationships I think. I know that you learned about it all through a minister, perhaps as a more serious thing, but I hope that you can give yourself a break and know that God loves us for who we are, with all our imperfections. If you enjoyed being with your husband for the erotic spanking, then great! Allow yourself to do it. Because that very thing moved you toward each other and not away. You know?

    OK that is it from me. Wordy as usual, and certainly just one person's view. But I am thinking of you, and wishing all good things for you moving forward. Big hugs,

    <3 Katie

    1. Thanks for your support Katie♥ We were very playful. The problem we have is being serious. Jordan avoids serious conversation like the plague. He was/is a good HOH. He knows how to lecture and spank and comfort and love but for some reason although he does it well he feels bad about discipline spanking. He doesn't want to hurt me. I don't do anything "that bad" to deserve that harsh of a punishment. Typically I get in trouble for attitude and mouthiness. We discussed trying DD without spanking briefly but he didn't seem invested. We've always been open to other punishment options and he has rarely used them. So although it hurts it has to end. DD takes 2 invested partners. It should enhance communication and ours is shut down. In the end the pain will be less.

  3. You know from my blog that we have had our shares of ups and downs. The last time I thought maybe we were done with Dd I sat and pondered what you did. Not the religious part, we are very different there, but the actual wanting to submit inside of me.

    Initially at the time I was so deeply hurt and embarrassed. I wanted to lash out and 'show him' Although show him what? I was the one who said, " I won't make you do what you don't seem to want to". I thought, no more submitting. No more involving you. But then it clicked inside of me. I didn't WANT to stop being the person I had allowed out during Dd. There was no going BACK. I was where I always wanted to be,-the person outside that I always knew was inside. Barney's involvement in Dd shouldn't change that because that would make me bitter, and sad.

    We of course have gotten over that road block, but there are still times where I wonder. I clearly want more and to go deeper in to D/s with my husband. ( For the record I mean the actual dominance and submission not the apparent D/s - sex connotations that seem to be in blogland..LOL Although that is good too!) I know if I push back against him he sometimes will cave. I try my best not to, but it does happen, HORROR MOANS also play a huge part in my vision , sadly

    I don't have much time so I am sorry about the ramble. What I will ask you is regardless of what you THINK Jordan is telling you, did you make this decision on your own? Did you interpret all of the above and then decide for HIM? Because if you did, you are not doing ANYONE any favours. You think you are protecting yourself from further hurt by stopping something that might not stop. Sure it might not be how you pictured it....yet...or ever....BUT it might turn out to be something great eventually. IF this is something you need Lilyanna, and IF this was your decisions not his, you need to seriously think on this ( trust me I have BEEN THERE, more than once). If you stopped it out of fear of more pain, you may be shaking up Jordan and robbing him of his right to grow at his own pace.

    Barney has said he isn't comfortable and may never be punishing me. He still does, on occasion. Would it be easier if he 'liked' it? You know what I have many HoH friends. Some who even confess to being sadists. BUT they still don't LIKE the punishment part. Is that a bad thing? I can't see how.

    My favourite quote is, Anaïs Nin: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” decide Lilyanna which is more painful, definitely no Dd, or the falling down 7 times getting up 8.
    With at least the hope that some day it will merely be a trip, not an actual fall. It has happened with us.

    I am not saying it is easy. I am saying if this is a need in you with Jordan, fight for it. If he actually hasn't SAID no, don't say it for him. Let him grow. And look for all the great things he does, no matter how small in Dd.

    You know where to find me. Email anytime because I tell you for almost 2 years we were the poster children of dysfunctional Dd...LOL

    love willie

    1. Hi Willie:) Thanks for the ramble... I always enjoy your advice. Jordan and I came to the no punishment spanking decision together. We attempted discussing Dd with other punishments but he won't open up. Won't communicate so I got so angry and fed up with him I just said I'm done. He apparently isn't "done". I told him not to tell me what to do and not to boss me. But he is basically acting as if nothing has changed which is making me furious lol:)~ He scolded me for eye rolling and disrespectfulness tonight. It seems as if he wants the respect obedience and submission just because he says so. Thats just what I think I'm not sure because he won't talk about it. I want so bad to be defiant dispite him but just his glares are enough to stop me in my tracks. I'm just feeling sad and confused. Maybe I will email you tomorrow. Thanks for your support♥

    2. I hope you do Lily. I really hope you do email me tomorrow. I know it is difficult to believe when you are in this spot, but Barney and I have been there. Where you are right now. Of course everyone is different, but we have experienced a lot of this.

  4. We don’t really know one another; I hope you don’t mind me butting in. My husband and I do not do DD. I wanted it, he didn’t. I feel God wants marriage to be partnerships. In some parts of our marriage Nick leads, it may be something he knows more about and I’m very comfortable letting him lead. In other parts of our marriage, often having to do with child rearing, I took the lead because that was where my strength lay.

    What if your husband had come to you and asked you to be the disciplinary? There are several men I know out here who do want their wives to spank them. But I couldn’t do it – it would just not be right for me. I guess we can’t blame the guys for sometimes feeling the same way. If you are happier letting him lead, don’t run in the other direction. Just keep doing what you feel is best for your family.

    Lastly, if you enjoy erotic spanking keep doing it. We do and while it’s not exactly what I want, for me it’s better than nothing. Things in your relationship will come and go all your married life. While I feel you may be closing the door on it for now, it’s not nailed shut. I hope things work out for the best.

    1. Thanks for your support PK. We will never know one another if we don't try talking and helping each other. I appreciate you butting in:) You are correct I could never dom Jordan! Spank for play if he would ever let me but he would nt. We all have our own beliefs and I'm ok with that. We believe husbands should lead. Wives should submit. We didn't live that way before DD and our separation. Before that I controlled everything. I made all the decisions. Now we have become accustomed to living this way and I think punishment or not it won't change. I feel embarrassed about enjoying spanking. It still feels taboo. I don't understand my attraction to it and I wish I didn't like it. Jordan knows I love it and apparently he has no intention of stopping. That is my own insecurity I need to overcome.

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  6. I was going to try to comment yesterday but decided I needed to collect my thoughts instead and try to make a more sensible comment today.

    First, I am very sorry that it seems so difficult to communicate with each other. In my relationship, I am the one who finds it really hard to talk about what I want. I guess it's because I think I'll be judged or that Tom won't try something new. We started to really talk about it, as you know, by me writting down my thoughts and reactions in a journal. He'd read it and we could start the conversation. The problem with this was that other things in life started happening and our communication went from wants and desires to how are we going to raise our two nephews and then how are we going to deal with the death of his father. When the kids came, I stopped writing to him so the only source of letting him know what was going on in my head had to come from reading my blog (which he has always done) or if he specifically asked me and even then I may not have told him exactly what was up.

    During the last four months (and because of relatives living with us), he only spanked me for foreplay which never lasts long because we're too worried about waking up kids or someone walking in on us. Then, it became just a few swats with the cane which I no longer like because it hurts too much now and because it just reminded me of how much we couldn't play or couldn't try new things like some aspects of DD.

    Since my Feeling Guilty and Properly Punished posts, Tom and I have done a lot of talking. Losing his dad has had a major emotional impact and a lot of things have changed since it happened. He is more distracted, can be easily irritated (also due to having guests in our house so long), and is working long hours again. I even felt him start pulling away which made me feel like I was losing him. We talked about all of this and he was worried that he was starting to lose me because of everything. He asked me what do I want in our relationship, and that's when I handed him that article referenced on my blog. He has taken it, read it a few times, and is really trying to act on it now. He brings it up if we have a disagreement. He asks me questions and really is trying to step up into a more dominant role in our household.

    He admitted to not understanding what I was trying to get him to do before reading the 3-part article and before I tried to be more open about what I wanted to try. Like most of the husbands who are new to the idea of TTWD, he has his own concerns, does not want to really hurt me, and really doesn't understand why I want to be spanked so much. Why would I want someone to punish me? I don't really have an answer. I enjoy being spanked, but I don't like being punished however if I deserve it, then I need it...

    Anyway, I'm getting long-winded, so I'll just end with I'm sorry the journaling idea didn't work out. Communication really is a key to any relationship and moving forward will take both of you together. If you ever want to e-mail me, I'm here. Hugs!♥

  7. Thanks Jay:) the three part article is one I found early on in our journey. Jordan read it then and I think it was very helpful to him trying to figure out exactly what I wanted. I like how you put *I don't like being punished however if I deserve it, then I need it...* I feel as though I "need" it too. The part we are both struggling with is why. I think it stems from my dysfunctional upbringing. My parents didn't parent. There weren't any real boundaries. Over the last few years I've become very close with our pastor and his family. I learned about a different way of life and I crave what they have. I want Jordan to care enough to set boundaries and correct me if I over step them. If I do something unsafe like forget my phone or text and drive I want him to be upset that I jeopardized my safety. For now we will continue on as is. He is still acting dominant. He is leading. I plan to do my best to follow. In time my hope is he will come to me asking for what we had back. Time will tell. Thank you for your continued support♡

    1. I just read another perspective to a possibly similar situation. It is Lessons Learned at

  8. Hey Lillyanna,
    Hugs! I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don't. I can only tell you our story, and what worked for us. This is our third attempt at DD. The first two times were short lived, and it took time...and by time, I mean years for both of us to be comfortable in our roles. He wouldn't read anything I sent him back them either, or he didn't talk to me about it if he did. Spanking for punishment was not something my husband was comfortable with, and even now as consistent as he is, he still struggles with it. It took time and the smallest baby steps at times. I remember the intense sense of shame when we quit, it's overwhelming, but it really is hard to go back. In some ways, my submission remained even without dd. Two years ago we tried again, but this time he took the reins, really got engaged and involved, and it's just been really amazing..still difficult, but amazing. It just took us 5 years to figure it all out..we're slow lol
    I know you're trying to figure out why you need "this". I spent so much time trying to figure that out, and I still don't have an answer. I just like the security of boundaries. I think they help me feel safe and secure, but there is no real reason why, it just is. There is nothing wrong with you Lilly! You just want to feel loved, cherished and supported, and this lifestyle helps you feel that from him. I really hope he comes around. It's really great that he's still leading and being dominant. Deep down I think he just may need more time. Keep blogging, make sure your feelings are heard somewhere, and this place is pretty supportive :)


  9. Thanks for your support Jenelle it is always great to know that we are not alone in this struggle♥ I hope in time Jordan will want DD as much as I do. I do feel loved and cherished and secure when he is HOH'y. Boundaries are exactly what I long for:)