Hi Blog-land. I know I’ve disappeared for a while. I
attempted many entries but just never posted.
Sometimes it just feels as though when things aren’t going
as planned there isn’t much to say and I don’t really belong.
Jordan and I are still at odds with where we want to be with
DD.
He stills wants to lead but has backed down quite a bit on
that too.
We were into erotic spanking for a while. I liked it. It was
sexy…. But it didn’t fulfill that need I have.
I think I’ve finally figured out myself what exactly it is
that I “need”.
I think I desire discipline not necessarily “spanking”.
Honestly I think I NEED
it to feel loved… to feel grounded... to feel safe.
Last week I found a great simple blog post by Jason’s girl
that spelled it out perfectly. A concrete example that even helped me realize
what it was exactly that I was looking for. Read it yourself here…domestic-discipline-why-punished.html
I sent the post to Jordan. He opened the email but never
said anything.
I’ve seen an increase in his HOHiness since though. He’s
been giving those warning glares again but there haven’t been any punishments
or lectures.
I even let him know to fulfill that “need” I don’t think it
would even have to be a spanking. I honestly think any consequence/punishment
would work (of course my preference is spanking). But I’ve done my fair share
of testing with no response.
Last night Jordan surprised me and came to bed with our wooden paddle. I bought
it a while back at the dollar store and left it out for him hinting that I
wanted a spanking. It had been so long that I had forgotten all about it.
He began some “heavy petting” and once I was nice and wet he
ordered me over some pillows. He warmed my bottom nicely with his hands before
moving onto the paddle. Other than the wooden spoon (which bruises me badly) we
had never used any wooden implements so the experience was new for us.
Jordan experimented with different strength strokes while
monitoring my response before settling into a nice rhythm of covering my bottom
with sharp moderate whacks mixed with more gentle ones centered over my most intimate
places. He had me soaking and squirming in no time.
The spanking stopped and I felt his fingers exploring my sex
bringing me almost to the brink before stopping abruptly while he positioned himself
on his knees behind me. I expected him to enter me so I was surprised to feel
him squirt cool lube down my crack. I knew what was coming next and sure enough
his fingers explored my slit before centering in and testing my bottom hole
(his opinion of ultimate submission). I tried my best to remain relaxed and
submit to his touch but as he attempted to enter I tensed.
Jordan retrieved the paddle and rained fiery hard spanks all
over my already reddened bottom, thoroughly reminding me that I was his to
touch as he pleased. I received 10x the paddling I had gotten
initially. I tried covering my bottom
and squirming out of place but the more I struggled the firmer he held me in
place and the harder he spanked. Once fully chastised and submissive I gave up
fighting and stayed still accepting of his spanking and open to his touch.
Jordan continued spanking. Once convinced I was done
resisting he returned to his task between my hot cheeks. Alternating between
openings he played mercilessly. Suddenly there was a different sensation at my
entrance and Jordan quickly inserted our butt plug and immediately plunged into
me from behind.
The sex was incredible… so much more fulfilling for me than
our usual vanilla.
Being dominated and topped sexually brings me satisfaction
like nothing else can.
But there is still that unfulfilled need…. That part of me
that says the sex was amazing but that’s all it was… sex. The spanking was
play. It wasn’t real and for whatever reason I long to be disciplined.
I need Jordan to “care
enough” to tan my butt for being out without my phone charged or for
forgetting to take my medicine or rolling my eyes at him and stomping away
while he is talking to me. For him to “love
me enough” to do whatever it takes to keep me safe and in my place and
I’m not sure if that is ever something he will ever be able to understand.
I must say though that the dollar store paddle was a great
investment. It creates a sting that lasts and left no marks. My bottom is still
nice and sore this morning and that soreness keeps me wet and wanting:)-
I totally and completely get this. My husband and I are in the exact same place. And yes, consequences besides spanking do work, although spanking is the ultimate "sacrament" in this spiritual act of being disciplined. Discipline itself is what we are craving, even if our husbands never come to the place of being able to spank and be themselves. Since the idea of discipline itself is challenging, it can make sense to start with other consequences less "strange". My husband and I planning that conversation this evening.
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome! Let me know how you make out. As you can tell by reading... Jordan is a proficient spanker:)- He really is great at it. The issue for him is I'm an adult and I should need the threat of a spanking/punishment to behave. Don't get me wrong I don't really "misbehave" you know what I mean. I honestly wish I didn't crave discipline!
DeleteOh, my husband is proficient as well! :-). He just doesn't like directing his proficiency for a disciplinary end. To him, discipline still feels paternal, and he does not want a paternalistic tone to our relationship. He doesn't really get that spiritual formation from the beginning of time has always involved discipline. It is our American, Protestant flavor of Christianity that finds the use of discipline in spiritual leadership to be strange. He does not find the need of discipline to be strange. He just thinks that adults should provide it for themselves, or it should be provided by natural consequences or impersonal systems. They don't get that God designed us to flourish best with discipline provided in the context of healthy, loving relationship, and that need does not end when we turn 18.
DeleteMy one and only objective for our discussion was for us to decide together that we will keep talking about this topic and not run from it, with the goal of mutual understanding and increased intimacy and no pressure to reach any certain conclusion.
He runs from the topic because he feels like he cannot ever meet my needs because he does not think that is the way he is wired. If this is true, he is stuck in failure (as he perceives it) and his wife is stuck unfulfilled.
But if we don't talk about it, then I feel rejected and alone, with no hope of him fighting for our future together in greater intimacy, as though he does not want to understand me further and is willing for us to stay stuck in this place for the rest of our lives.
He understood what I was asking for, and he agreed, as long as there is no assumption that success requires that he come to a different viewpoint.
As long as he pursues this further and doesn't leave all initiation up to me, then my goal was achieved. Btw, I opened the topic by sharing your blog post with him :-).
That's great:) I'm glad my post helped someone. Jordan avoids the topic too. I never had boundaries growing up. My parents were alcoholics and didn't really care. I think that's why I want him to care so much. Best of luck to you both!
DeleteWhat do you mean it wasn't discipline? Perhaps you are looking at this all wrong....you wouldn't relax, submit whatever you choose to say here, so he went back to the paddle....in some eyes that was very much getting you to submit. Sure it wasn't a broken rule, but it was what HE wanted...and he paddled until he got it. Try seeing the glass as half full!
ReplyDeletewillie
I agree, Willie, in that that's what I thought when I read it. It's just that it didn't start out as disciplinary, so her head was probably not in that space when it happened, and he may well have meant it as aggressive, dominating play, not real discipline. The husband's intention is a major key to how we receive it, right?
DeleteI thought that same thing when I wrote it Wilma. It was an amazing spanking / play experience and Jordan is very comfortable dominating sexually my point wasn't that it wasn't discipline. My issue is those instances when I want him to punish he doesn't. We have gone back to the old habit of arguing frequently and him pulling away and not speaking to me and me feeling like if he doesn't want to talk or touch me he doesn't love me kind of thing. I'm sure we've all been there. Thanks for the tough love :)
Delete@ Anonymous. Exactly:) Jordan is great at the play aspect and I love that sexually but emotionally it is something else I need.
ReplyDeleteWith this post, I feel like you took what I have been feeling, made sense of it, and were able to put it into words. It is very difficult to explain this "need" and honestly...it is a lot of responsibility that we place on their shoulders in us asking them to do this, which is why when it isn't working how we want or expect it to, we feel like we aren't worth the effort which isn't the case. I may continue this on my blog. :-)
ReplyDeleteGo for it Jay:) It is so hard to figure it all out and eemotionally exhausting... I look forward to reading what you have to add.
ReplyDelete