Hi Blog-land. I know I’ve disappeared for a while. I attempted many entries but just never posted.
Sometimes it just feels as though when things aren’t going as planned there isn’t much to say and I don’t really belong.
Jordan and I are still at odds with where we want to be with DD.
He stills wants to lead but has backed down quite a bit on that too.
We were into erotic spanking for a while. I liked it. It was sexy…. But it didn’t fulfill that need I have.
I think I’ve finally figured out myself what exactly it is that I “need”.
I think I desire discipline not necessarily “spanking”.
Honestly I think I NEED it to feel loved… to feel grounded... to feel safe.
Last week I found a great simple blog post by Jason’s girl that spelled it out perfectly. A concrete example that even helped me realize what it was exactly that I was looking for. Read it yourself here…domestic-discipline-why-punished.html
I sent the post to Jordan. He opened the email but never said anything.
I’ve seen an increase in his HOHiness since though. He’s been giving those warning glares again but there haven’t been any punishments or lectures.
I even let him know to fulfill that “need” I don’t think it would even have to be a spanking. I honestly think any consequence/punishment would work (of course my preference is spanking). But I’ve done my fair share of testing with no response.
Last night Jordan surprised me and came to bed with our wooden paddle. I bought it a while back at the dollar store and left it out for him hinting that I wanted a spanking. It had been so long that I had forgotten all about it.
He began some “heavy petting” and once I was nice and wet he ordered me over some pillows. He warmed my bottom nicely with his hands before moving onto the paddle. Other than the wooden spoon (which bruises me badly) we had never used any wooden implements so the experience was new for us.
Jordan experimented with different strength strokes while monitoring my response before settling into a nice rhythm of covering my bottom with sharp moderate whacks mixed with more gentle ones centered over my most intimate places. He had me soaking and squirming in no time.
The spanking stopped and I felt his fingers exploring my sex bringing me almost to the brink before stopping abruptly while he positioned himself on his knees behind me. I expected him to enter me so I was surprised to feel him squirt cool lube down my crack. I knew what was coming next and sure enough his fingers explored my slit before centering in and testing my bottom hole (his opinion of ultimate submission). I tried my best to remain relaxed and submit to his touch but as he attempted to enter I tensed.
Jordan retrieved the paddle and rained fiery hard spanks all over my already reddened bottom, thoroughly reminding me that I was his to touch as he pleased. I received 10x the paddling I had gotten initially. I tried covering my bottom and squirming out of place but the more I struggled the firmer he held me in place and the harder he spanked. Once fully chastised and submissive I gave up fighting and stayed still accepting of his spanking and open to his touch.
Jordan continued spanking. Once convinced I was done resisting he returned to his task between my hot cheeks. Alternating between openings he played mercilessly. Suddenly there was a different sensation at my entrance and Jordan quickly inserted our butt plug and immediately plunged into me from behind.
The sex was incredible… so much more fulfilling for me than our usual vanilla.
Being dominated and topped sexually brings me satisfaction like nothing else can.
But there is still that unfulfilled need…. That part of me that says the sex was amazing but that’s all it was… sex. The spanking was play. It wasn’t real and for whatever reason I long to be disciplined.
I need Jordan to “care enough” to tan my butt for being out without my phone charged or for forgetting to take my medicine or rolling my eyes at him and stomping away while he is talking to me. For him to “love me enough” to do whatever it takes to keep me safe and in my place and I’m not sure if that is ever something he will ever be able to understand.
I must say though that the dollar store paddle was a great investment. It creates a sting that lasts and left no marks. My bottom is still nice and sore this morning and that soreness keeps me wet and wanting:)-