I find myself in a dark place this morning. I'm feeling emotionally raw.
Sunday afternoon Jordan said I was getting a spanking. It had been awhile since my last punishment spanking and I felt the familiar feeling of spiraling out of control. I was no longer submissive. No longer obedient. No longer respectful. The spanking was way over do. Things had been going down hill for days. I had been growing resentful that Jordan was ignoring it. Two spankings had already been promised that week but never carried through. But, when he said I was getting a spanking along with the familiar feeling of dread I felt an overwhelming since of relief.
I should have known better.
Not wanting to make the spanking any worse I behaved myself for the rest of the day.
I didn't really think about the spanking much until the kids were in bed. Then I knew it was coming soon. I mentally tried to prepare. I psyched myself up about trying to obey Jordan's commands. To get into position and stay in it. To not resist.. because I knew I needed it.
Jordan knew I was getting anxious. Even joked about me watching his every move. "Nervous about something Lilly?" He teased.
The time clicked on. It got late. Jordan turned off the lights and the TV and snuggled into me to go to sleep for the night.
At first I just laid there. Tears rolling down my face. I got angrier as the time past and pushed his hands off of me. He put them back... I took them off... he put them back and I got out of bed and grabbed my stuff to leave the room.
Jordan didn't allow me to go. "What's wrong Lilly?' he questioned sounding annoyed. As if he didn't know! He made me tell him. "What's wrong is that your making a joke out of something that is very serious and important to me," I said through my tears.
"I don't understand Lillyanna. How can you be upset that I didn't spank you?" "After I told you that you were getting spanked you straightened up, so I let you slide."
"But not anymore!!! You've got ten lashes."
"I don't want to do this anymore!"
"Pants off! Get over the pillows."
"I'm not letting you spank me! I'm done with this!"
"You don't want to do this anymore every time you are in trouble. Get into position or I will put you there and it will be 15!"
I didn't move.
Jordan wasn't kidding. He yanked by pants down and "helped" me into position.
"I want you to count each one. Do you understand?"
I didn't answer.
"I don't hear you!" Whack right between my bottom and start of my thighs.
"One" I said.
Jordan gave me all 15 but I was so angry I barely even felt them.
I got up right away. Pulled my pants up and got into bed on the very edge of my side and stared at the wall.
Jordan left me alone.
It has been two days and I still have a heavy heart... Jordan is acting normal like nothing ever happened. In his mind it was taken care of. In my mind it isn't. I'm distancing and I can't help it. I'm just trying to protect my heart. I really don't want to want to do this anymore! Sometimes the pain of disappointment and inconsistency are just too much to bear.
Every time I feel like Jordan understands... I'm quickly reminded that he really doesn't and I'm not sure he even wants to...
Oh Sweetheart I'm sorry
ReplyDeleteI know it doesn't make you feel any better to know this, but I know exactly how you feel. When I was there I hated every part of it. I hated him for not realizing how deep this thing really and truly goes for us. Most of all I hated me for NEEDING it. I felt what is the point? Why even bother? Aren't the good times supposed to out number the 'bad'.
I honestly don't know how you get to the point where they understand. What I do know it is possible to an extent from what I have seen in my own life. Some days it does appear that we are chipping away at a huge wall of misunderstanding with only a nail file, but eventually, slowly the determined will make a difference.
Barney was so afraid for so long. At first he rationalized punishments away for all kinds of reasons. Some of them pretty legitimate. Some of them lame. But in one discussion we had about a year into Dd he brought up something in passing that stuck out more than I think he intended it to. He was truly afraid to fail. He was so afraid that if Dd wouldn't 'work' for us our marriage would be over. This fear often paralyzed him. That and the fact that I have a very hard head and a guarded heart, so his actions were not always seen as beneficial immediately ( like you read in so many places ). In my *defense* those things in part over time due to inconsistency .
I know you have said in the past that you were having marital problems before Dd. Perhaps some of Jordan's underlying reasons for inconsistency is he is paralyzed by fear. The fear of 'what if this doesn't work'. I know it seems so counter productive to NOT do Dd or be consistent to US, but I think we can all agree that men and women think differently.
As difficult as it is going to be I think eventually you are going to have to talk with him. Ask him why HE thinks he is inconsistent. Also if you *can* , tell him despite being angry you appreciate his follow through the other night as that is what an HOH should do...even if his reasoning was off.
You may want to find some posts written by other women who have expressed similar issues. It sometimes helps them realize that you and they are not alone in this struggle. In addition sometimes hearing how other women say things helps because they don't actually know them, and can't excuse off their feelings as easily.
I know right now it is hard. I know all too well the feeling of a heavy heart. Through experience I also know that the weight doesn't always come off in one fell swoop. Be stubborn Lily ! Chip away at that armor. Talking to him, while annoying AGAIN, and difficult will greatly lighten your heart, and stop those swirling thoughts in your head.
As always, I am around if you want to chat.
Thinking of you.
willie
Hi Willie,
DeleteYour so sweet. I hate myself for NEEDING DD too... Hopefully someday I will get past that. I think that's where most of my insecurity with DD comes from. Your right about us having marital issues in the past. That is what brought us to DD. We started using it as an attempt to "fix" things. We had just lost ourselves after we had little ones. DD has really helped us. I feel like our relationship is strong now. Now I feel like I NEED DD to keep me submissive and on track. Jordan doesn't seem to be so into it. We all know he knows how to be HOH'y very well... I've written stories on here. His thing is I should need to be spanked to be respectful. I understand his point but still I start spiraling out of control when he lets off on the control. I agree that we both do things out of fear of things getting back to that place when we lost each other. There is a lot of hurt back there. Like you say, keep chipping away... Thanks so much for your support!
<3 Lilly
I'm so sorry for where you are at. I feel like this post is something I could have written for I have been in this same situation. Not following through on a spanking can leave us in such a dark and lonely empty place. They think they are just being companionate and loving in their reasons for not following through and we feel just the opposite. This is a very tough spot for both of you to be in and the only way to get through it is communication. He needs to understand why you need him to follow through and it will help if you understand why he doesn't, only then can you find a way through this. I know, men aren't always the best communicators and it can be frustrating. Show him your post, it may help him to understand.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Kim
Thanks for your support Kim! I'm sorry to hear that you have been in this place yourself because I know how much it hurts but, thanks for sharing that so I know I'm not alone. It has to be hard for our hubbies to understand that we are upset that they "let us slide" on a spanking. None the less, it really hurts.
DeleteThanks for your support!
<3 Lilly
Wow Willie's comment was so wonderful, and pretty much summed up what I wanted to say, but like way better :) Big Hugs, hang in there, and keep communicating. I'm so sorry you're hurting right now, the lows in this lifestyle can be really low, but know that you're not alone. I remember feeling the same way before, and probably will again. Go to him and talk when you're ready, you can do this.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Thanks for your support Jennelle! Willie always puts things so well :) Thanks for letting me know that I'm not alone. Sometimes I think my own feelings are crazy :)- Nice to know other women have felt the same way.
Delete<3 Lilly
Awww! BIG HUGE HUGS to you Lilyanna!! I am sorry that you are feeling so down at the moment.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I do believe that guys are kind of straight forward creatures. Combine that with us women, who have kind of cracked the egg and come out of the shell with this- putting it all out there. It makes us rightly, even more sensitive to this whole thing. When they don't really understand this all, it can be hard!
I think that Willie has some great advice. Talk and talk and talk some more. Tell him how you feel. At some point, he will have to really hear you. Try your best to be respectful through it all as best that you can. Not always easy. That is for sure.
We each do our own thing around the land, and it takes time to learn, experiment and find out what works for you. I think the biggie is to try to make yourself skip the turning away from each other, even when it is the foremost thing on your mind. It is hard and both Rob and I will throw it out there to each other, when one of us needs a reminder. Also, perhaps tell him, "that hurt my feelings" every time that he does. I say that around here. Just like that. It is easy to say, respectfully. And leads to discussion. It is better than moving away from one another.
I am far from expert, but I hope that some of this helps a little. I am thinking of you, and feel bad that you are going through this rough patch. If I can help, please let me know. :) Many hugs,
<3 Katie
Thanks for your support Katie. I think this time I did my best ever of letting him know that he hurt my feelings respectfully. I told him it made me feel uncared about and not important enough. Jordan still became defensive and angry and then so did I. I can understand how he felt. Hopefully in time we can get to the point of being able to communicate like you have without turning away from each other. Once I'm upset though it is my natural response to pull away. Changing that won't be easy.
DeleteThanks again for commenting :p
<3 Lilly
So sorry you're going through this :( Try not to give up, and keep talking, talking, talking about everything you feel.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support Autumn! I won't give up :)
Delete<3 Lilly
I hate the feelings you described. It is quite the conundrum. Why in the world do they tell us we are in trouble...only to not do anything...and then wonder what is wrong with US?!? Lol!
ReplyDeleteIt took Ryan a very long time to understand...and also for me to explain what goes on in my head. No I don't want to be spanked. I don't want to feel that pain, but when he says it is going to happen and it doesn't it makes me crazy. I feel unimportant. Forgotten. It is a terrible feeling.
Ryan has made the same observation as your HOH before. He told you you were in trouble, so yes you started behaving better in his eyes, so he felt like he was doing you a favor by letting it slide. I would wager to bet that when he said you were in trouble those submissive feelings slowly started to creep in. Or perhaps you felt like he had you...and you began to feel better knowing that he was going to take back control. So yes, when that didn't come to fruition you got angry. Hurt. And boy I am sure he was confused as heck. We've been in that situation so many times I have lost count. And then Ryan would try to spank...and I would feel forgotten and angry...almost like I felt like he felt he was doing me a favor. It never ended well.
Yikes. So not sure this is all that helpful, but I understand how you feel. Keep talking. Keep explaining why you feel what you do. I promise they just don't see it the way we do.
Thanks for your support Lucy Lou! Thanks for sharing that you have been in the situation yourself. Just reading that helps:) I totally understand the feeling forgotten and angry! This too shall pass.... right :)-
Delete<3 Lilly
I'm sorry! There have been times I've needed one also but Zeke has not come through. He's never promised one and then changed his mind so I can imagine that would be terribly frustrating. My only suggestion as lame as it might be is to communicate as much as you can and let him know you need a reset button. I get angry when Zeke lets things go. We need strong leaders. I hope it gets better.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support! I know Jordan sees things spiraling downward. I know he notices that I start getting snippy and don't follow his lead so willingly. So I just don't understand why he doesn't just intervene before things just get so out of control. Anyways... I'm glad that Zeke has never not followed through on a spanking because it really hurts more than the spanking would have! We do need strong leaders : )- I know when I start pushing I need him to push back.. not crumble.
Delete<3 Lilly
Gosh Lilyanna... I can really sense your pain, anger and frustration. And you know all those feelings are normal and ok. It is what is learned from this situation that will matter long term. You are entitled to how you feel, and I am guessing your hubby just isn't seeing things in the same way. Not because he doesn't care but because he simply views things differently. I am guessing if he really knew the pain this has caused you, he would stop and listen. Hopefully make some changes. But none of this will happen unless you talk. When I am angry, I shut down. I sleep on my side of the bed right on te edge facing away. In doing so it fuels my anger. I begin to hurt. I begin to blow the whole issue out of proportion. Most of the time... you got it..my hubby is sleeping away totally unaware I have a problem. Sometimes though... this gives me the space I need to think things through and decide how to approach. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes not. What we have agreed upon, is my learning to simply say what is on my mind and in my heart as long as I do not yell or make threats. Respect is the key. It does take self control. This is a small bump in the road but can feel very overwhelnming. Your not alone, you have heard this from everyone. But this is about what will work for you two, not about how any one of us necessarily handles similar issues. Hangin there, do some reflecting than try approaching your hubby with your thoughts, fears and suggestions. We are here to support you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind words Annabelle! Shutting down, sleeping on the edge of the bed and blowing things out of proportion seems familiar lol! Not good coping skills :/ But your right feelings are what they are. I really want to be able to just say what is on my mind but Jordan gets defensive and angry quickly so... that makes it hard! Thanks for your support!
Delete<3 Lilly
I am so sorry that your feeling down and vulnerable. I like what Willie said. It is chipping away a little at a time. I have to just flat out tell H that he can't let me slide that I need the consistency to help keep our new roles established. It works for awhile and then he goes back to old habits, but it is better. Keep up the communication. By the way your post could have been my post many many times ❤️ Hugs
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support Kris. Like I said nice to know I'm not alone. Sorry to hear you have been there too though because I know it is awful. I think we all work harder for a bit and then slide back some but hopefully each time there is some ground gained.
Delete<3 Lilly
Hi Lilly, just read your post whilst on holiday and want you to know you have all my sympathy. I have no useful advice except maybe show him this post and hope to goodness he realizes you need a bit more consistency, lots of love
ReplyDeleteJan,xx
Thanks for your sympathy Jan. For now things are better :)
DeleteOh Lillyana, I'm sorry I am so late in commenting.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are feeling this way. I think most of us can relate at different times. Consistency is so important. I hope by now you have talked some, or maybe shown Jordan this post and that you are feeling a little better.
Sending huge (((hugs)))
Roz
Thanks for your encouragement Roz. I posted today about what happened if you want to catch up. Things are better. Hopefully for a long while :)
ReplyDelete