Tuesday, September 16, 2014
" I let you slide..."
I find myself in a dark place this morning. I'm feeling emotionally raw.
Sunday afternoon Jordan said I was getting a spanking. It had been awhile since my last punishment spanking and I felt the familiar feeling of spiraling out of control. I was no longer submissive. No longer obedient. No longer respectful. The spanking was way over do. Things had been going down hill for days. I had been growing resentful that Jordan was ignoring it. Two spankings had already been promised that week but never carried through. But, when he said I was getting a spanking along with the familiar feeling of dread I felt an overwhelming since of relief.
I should have known better.
Not wanting to make the spanking any worse I behaved myself for the rest of the day.
I didn't really think about the spanking much until the kids were in bed. Then I knew it was coming soon. I mentally tried to prepare. I psyched myself up about trying to obey Jordan's commands. To get into position and stay in it. To not resist.. because I knew I needed it.
Jordan knew I was getting anxious. Even joked about me watching his every move. "Nervous about something Lilly?" He teased.
The time clicked on. It got late. Jordan turned off the lights and the TV and snuggled into me to go to sleep for the night.
At first I just laid there. Tears rolling down my face. I got angrier as the time past and pushed his hands off of me. He put them back... I took them off... he put them back and I got out of bed and grabbed my stuff to leave the room.
Jordan didn't allow me to go. "What's wrong Lilly?' he questioned sounding annoyed. As if he didn't know! He made me tell him. "What's wrong is that your making a joke out of something that is very serious and important to me," I said through my tears.
"I don't understand Lillyanna. How can you be upset that I didn't spank you?" "After I told you that you were getting spanked you straightened up, so I let you slide."
"But not anymore!!! You've got ten lashes."
"I don't want to do this anymore!"
"Pants off! Get over the pillows."
"I'm not letting you spank me! I'm done with this!"
"You don't want to do this anymore every time you are in trouble. Get into position or I will put you there and it will be 15!"
I didn't move.
Jordan wasn't kidding. He yanked by pants down and "helped" me into position.
"I want you to count each one. Do you understand?"
I didn't answer.
"I don't hear you!" Whack right between my bottom and start of my thighs.
"One" I said.
Jordan gave me all 15 but I was so angry I barely even felt them.
I got up right away. Pulled my pants up and got into bed on the very edge of my side and stared at the wall.
Jordan left me alone.
It has been two days and I still have a heavy heart... Jordan is acting normal like nothing ever happened. In his mind it was taken care of. In my mind it isn't. I'm distancing and I can't help it. I'm just trying to protect my heart. I really don't want to want to do this anymore! Sometimes the pain of disappointment and inconsistency are just too much to bear.
Every time I feel like Jordan understands... I'm quickly reminded that he really doesn't and I'm not sure he even wants to...