Friday, June 27, 2014

Really Low Lows

Not sure how or why this happens… Super high highs and really low lows. Why do I go from feeling loved, cherished and cared for after a spanking to questioning if Jordan even loves me when it has been awhile since a spanking or intercourse? I don’t even understand myself, I certainly can’t expect Jordan to understand me.


  1. Lillyanna,
    Talking, communicating, is what is needed. Tell him how you are feeling.

  2. Finally a comment!!!! I'm so excited:)~ I was getting pretty discouraged about this blogging thing. I do try to communicate but were not very good at it truthfully. Plus, I'm not honestly comfortable with what I really want so hard to ask for it:| sometimes I just wish vanilla was enough for me.

  3. When most of us start of in ttwd, we crave every drop of our husband's undivided attention. Logically we know it isn't possible, but our heart and mind aren't always in sync. It is normal to feel the way you do right now- not easy, but normal. I wish to God I could tell you talking to him will change that in one conversation, but it hasn't been something I have witnessed.

    There are a lot of insecurities that come with being the one who brings Dd to your husband- especially if he is not overtly dominant. Feeling like maybe he 'doesn't love me' because it has been a while since spanking or sex is one of them. To us we equate those actions as his dominance over us, giving us what we crave- What we expressed we need. He has agreed, so when he doesn't, it seems like a personal 'attack' or sign that maybe " I am too much for him" or " he doesn't want me as much as I NEED him". Again logically we know- well he is tired, or we haven't been alone, or someone is sick, my our heart is screaming, I WOULD FIND AWAY, why can't he? I am thinking about this and HIM all the time, why doesn't HE think about me?

    I'll let you in on a little secret, he is. The thing about men, in my experience, is that they don't feel the need to communicate every thought. They assume you know. They don't necessarily have the same emotions as we do ( which often cloud my logical judgement ) so they don't understand why we couldn't see that he was tired; you were never alone etc..

    Another thing a male friend of mine who has been married over 35 years told me, men keep 'score' differently than women. Generally a man will do a grand gesture ( in this case let's say spanking) and he will think he is 'good' for a while. A woman prefers, generally, lots of little things. OR just lots. LOL.

    I know the feeling of wishing vanilla was good enough for me. I have run the full gamete of guilt, anger, disgust with myself. Feeling like I am a burden. The whole thing. This is where you need to talk to your husband. If he is anything like mine, he will reassure you. It is just that ttwd is so incredibly new to him. While you are moved by your actions because of your burning need- and that is precisely what it is, a need, he has to think about his- undo everything he has been told all his life in his mind and then act. That doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy it. It just means it doesn't flow out of him as easily as it does you.

    He needs time to grow comfortable. He needs time to process. He needs time to discover what his needs and desires are. Sadly as the one with the need, this can be oh so hurtful while you 'wait'.

    Love willie

  4. Hi Willie,
    It feels like you have scooped me up and tucked me right under your wing and I really appreciate that. I spent some time reading on your blog today. I feel so inferior LOL :)- It is really great to read about other people going through the same things we are going through. I'm especially glad to know that I'm not the only who has Sometimes it feels like it isn't worth the hurt of the lows. Like you without it I know eventually we would fall apart, before we started we already had. Jordan is defiantly a score keeper. He often brings up several things that he has "let go" while he is lecturing. I am really trying to relinquish control. The spankings that are completely his idea are so much better than the ones that I have "manipulated". Thanks for reading and all your help!