Monday, June 15, 2015

The "War"

Look familiar?

I hope not, but lets be honest here...

I came across an article on Scary Mommy this morning, you can find it here We call it the War.. For some reason what she said fits life today. One of the quotes that touched me the most was, "I never meant for you to be at the bottom of my list," I want to tell him. "You are not there because I love you the least," I want to say. "I want you to know that you don't belong there, beneath diapers and laundry and deadlines."

Where is your spouse on your list?

Jordan and I  went to Christian Marriage counseling,  when the war almost broke us, before we even understood there was a war, and the pastor's wife had me do an exercise. She asked me to write a list of the top five priorities in my life. I was honest, I wanted her help and I wrote Jordan towards the bottom. 

 She took the list, looked if over and then simply asked why is Jordan so unimportant. What she said took me by surprise, but I answered the best that I could and I said, "Well he can take care of himself the other things can't." I can remember the next moment as if it was yesterday, the concept changed my thinking.. my entire way of life. She simply said quietly, "but he won't."

I knew by the context of the rest of the conversation, exactly what she meant. Jordan wouldn't care for himself, he shouldn't have to and if I wasn't going to make him "important" someone else would.

That was the hard truth. 

Back then I always thought there would be time for Jordan and I later. We had kids now and between them and work there was very little time left and that he would just... understand. That he would always just be there. But the pastor's wife was right, he won't.

Now I know about the war... The war is life!

Scary Mommy refers to the war as parenting but as I've opened my eyes to the issue of not making my spouse a priority, I see it. There is always a war. For some it is a stressful all consuming career or working tons of overtime. For others it may be a person who just doesn't know how to say no.You know, the woman who is on every committee and volunteers herself for everything. Or even the hobbyist who fills their life with their own pleasures and obsessions. There will always be a reason that you just don't have time for your spouse until you make the conscious decision that your relationship is a  priority.

So, I know this stuff,  I've written a book about it, but life gets busy and still from time to time I find myself pushing Jordan further and further down the list. I'm getting better. I've tried to simplify life, say no more, use my time wisely, make decisions based on my priorities and that has all helped... but I appreciate the gentle reminders like I was given by Scary Mommy today that help me refocus on what really matters. 

plural noun: priorities
  1. a thing that is regarded as more important than another.

Does your priority list reflect whats really important? 


  1. Hi Lillyanna, this is a great post. I can only agree with you, your spouse should be the top-priority, and the rest will follow. I do have problems now and then when it comes to getting these priorities right, especially when it involves our daughter. In a way, my thoughts are silly then, because none of us would ever do anything that wouldn't be for her best.
    Your post is a great reminder to see what is important, and I have learned that seeing this is something we can practice. It doesn't mean that we always get it right, but we are aware of it and just that helps a lot. Thank you for sharing.



  2. What wisdom you were offered! I love this post, they need us, and we need them.