Paddle Ball...

Hi Blog-land. I know I’ve disappeared for a while. I attempted many entries but just never posted.

Sometimes it just feels as though when things aren’t going as planned there isn’t much to say and I don’t really belong.

Jordan and I are still at odds with where we want to be with DD.

He stills wants to lead but has backed down quite a bit on that too.

We were into erotic spanking for a while. I liked it. It was sexy…. But it didn’t fulfill that need I have.

I think I’ve finally figured out myself what exactly it is that I “need”.

I think I desire discipline not necessarily “spanking”.

Honestly I think I NEED it to feel loved… to feel grounded... to feel safe.

Last week I found a great simple blog post by Jason’s girl that spelled it out perfectly. A concrete example that even helped me realize what it was exactly that I was looking for. Read it yourself here…domestic-discipline-why-punished.html

I sent the post to Jordan. He opened the email but never said anything.

I’ve seen an increase in his HOHiness since though. He’s been giving those warning glares again but there haven’t been any punishments or lectures.

I even let him know to fulfill that “need” I don’t think it would even have to be a spanking. I honestly think any consequence/punishment would work (of course my preference is spanking). But I’ve done my fair share of testing with no response.

Last night Jordan surprised me and came to bed with our wooden paddle. I bought it a while back at the dollar store and left it out for him hinting that I wanted a spanking. It had been so long that I had forgotten all about it.

He began some “heavy petting” and once I was nice and wet he ordered me over some pillows. He warmed my bottom nicely with his hands before moving onto the paddle. Other than the wooden spoon (which bruises me badly) we had never used any wooden implements so the experience was new for us.

Jordan experimented with different strength strokes while monitoring my response before settling into a nice rhythm of covering my bottom with sharp moderate whacks mixed with more gentle ones centered over my most intimate places. He had me soaking and squirming in no time.

The spanking stopped and I felt his fingers exploring my sex bringing me almost to the brink before stopping abruptly while he positioned himself on his knees behind me. I expected him to enter me so I was surprised to feel him squirt cool lube down my crack. I knew what was coming next and sure enough his fingers explored my slit before centering in and testing my bottom hole (his opinion of ultimate submission). I tried my best to remain relaxed and submit to his touch but as he attempted to enter I tensed.

Jordan retrieved the paddle and rained fiery hard spanks all over my already reddened bottom, thoroughly reminding me that I was his to touch as he pleased.   I received 10x the paddling I had gotten initially.  I tried covering my bottom and squirming out of place but the more I struggled the firmer he held me in place and the harder he spanked. Once fully chastised and submissive I gave up fighting and stayed still accepting of his spanking and open to his touch.

Jordan continued spanking. Once convinced I was done resisting he returned to his task between my hot cheeks. Alternating between openings he played mercilessly. Suddenly there was a different sensation at my entrance and Jordan quickly inserted our butt plug and immediately plunged into me from behind.

The sex was incredible… so much more fulfilling for me than our usual vanilla.

Being dominated and topped sexually brings me satisfaction like nothing else can.

But there is still that unfulfilled need…. That part of me that says the sex was amazing but that’s all it was… sex. The spanking was play. It wasn’t real and for whatever reason I long to be disciplined.

I need Jordan to “care enough” to tan my butt for being out without my phone charged or for forgetting to take my medicine or rolling my eyes at him and stomping away while he is talking to me. For him to “love me enough” to do whatever it takes to keep me safe and in my place and I’m not sure if that is ever something he will ever be able to understand.  

I must say though that the dollar store paddle was a great investment. It creates a sting that lasts and left no marks. My bottom is still nice and sore this morning and that soreness keeps me wet and wanting:)-

 

 

 

Easier Said Than Done

Good News… I’m still here, still hanging on, still reading and still doing my best to submit. As most of you know Jordan and I have taken discipline/consequences off the table. The hard part... he still wants the HOH / submissive status to stay the same.

 

After the hurt and anger settled down, I promised myself and God that I would do my best to be the submissive wife he called me to be regardless of our Dd status. 

 

 

Making the decision to submit is...

 

 

I would estimate that I gracefully submit/ lean in (as Meredith would say) about 50% of the time.

40% of the time I would guess that I lean in after a warning glare or verbal warning.

The other 10% of the time Jordan moves forward ignoring the misstep with the obvious expectation that the misstep will not happen again anytime soon.

The crazy thing is there is no real threat behind the warnings/glares anymore. There is no more worry about getting spanked or sent to the corner or  getting my phone taken away “ the worst lol 

:)~ "

Just knowing that if I don’t lean in Jordan will be disappointed in me has usually been enough to get me to do the right thing and I’m very proud of that.  

I’m ashamed to say that that 10% of the time… I usually feel frustrated, bitter.. even resentful and I respond with sassy, disrespectful and sarcastic remarks. I’m only human…. These are the times that in the past I would be spanked! Thankfully, despite the lack of formal consequences, I still have a “know better” than to push beyond that point.  Not exactly sure what would happen if I did but I don’t really want to find out... yet :)-

The best news of all is that Jordan did notice that I am still trying hard to be obedient and submissive towards him. He even said that he is very proud of me and he really appreciates it!!!

 

 

There have been spankings but only erotic ones. I can’t help but wish they were real:? Not a punishment but a reminder that Jordan is HOH and (Jordan’s favorite phrase) I need to just do what I’m told… when I’m told… and that I’ve been a “Good Girl”! I want him to spank harder/ longer than I’m comfortable with and when I beg him to stop I want him to exert his dominance and say when to stop is for him to decide.

I think what I’m wishing for is role affirmation or reminder spankings. So many of you in blog land say you don’t spank for punishment but when I read your posts and you’ve been spanked to me it seems as though it is very similar to punishments. Can you help me understand the difference?

 

PS: I’ve been reading through some of the list of the blogs started in 2014 and it is discouraging that so many bloggers have disappeared after experiencing issues in their TTWD/Dd journeys. Despite our rocky road I plan to stay… Why? Because I want to be real, I want people to have a place to read to see that others have survived their same struggles… I need to prove that in time it will all work out. Special thanks to the bloggers who have put their hard times out there because I can attest that reading that I’m not the only wife and Jordan’s not the only husband who have weathered these storms really helps. Especially those of you who have overcome them.

 

 

 

Happy 2015 to each and every one of you!!!

 

Soul Searching

 

Over the last few days I’ve done some soul searching. I’ve prayed, done some reading and bible study and a lot of thinking about “Now what?”

Despite our big blow up last week, life has remained pretty stable. Jordan has continued to lead. He has continued to expect respect and obedience and I’ve been obedient at times and disrespectful at others.

Although I am still hurt and deeply disappointed the brunt of these feelings have begun to fade. My anger has calmed and my focus has changed from “getting him back… revenge” to what should I do now.

The thing that struck me the post as I read trying to find an answer was this…

 

 

 

Biblical submission and respect is not a reaction to, or dependent on our husband’s behavior. It is individual obedience to our Father’s command. (Why is She Smiling… Amy Williams)  It isn’t about if Jordan deserves it or not… it is the fact that I know submitting to Jordan is the right thing to do. Choosing to disobey my husband is a sin. Not only that, Jordan deserves my submission simply because he is my husband and I am his helper.

Another piece I read compared marriage to a business. Someone must be the boss. Someone must have the authority to have the final say. A business with more than one CEO will result in many quarrels due to differences in opinion. That’s what it is all about. Although I know Jordan has the last say, I am competing with the boss and rebelling against his God given authority.   

 

 

So, my decision is this… I will do my best to do what I know is right. I will obey Jordan and submit to his authority to the best of my ability. Submission is a choice and I will try my hardest to make that right choice each day.

I’ve decided not to discuss this with Jordan at this point. Instead I’ve chosen to make a sincere attempt at submitting and when he notices or brings it up I will explain myself. At that time I hope to also tell Jordan that I will leave the option to discipline open. I will leave it up to him to decide if he chooses to bring that aspect back into our relationship.

Thank you all for your support and your honesty.  Your sometimes gentle other times blunt encouragement to continue to submit to Jordan was much needed an appreciated <3

 

So... Now what???

I’ve been sitting here staring at my blank screen with tears streaming down my face trying to decide “Now What???”

As most of you know DD has been a rocky road for Jordan and I. We’ve stopped and restarted a few times… For me honestly it has been more of a source of disappointment and hurt than good. The only thing I don’t regret is implementing DD to serve as a reunification tool after our separation.

DD brought us back together after things seemed unrepairable. We were able to love again when our “in love” had been lost. Unfortunately I embraced the concept much more than Jordan did and time and time again we’ve battled inconsistency and lack of ownership and effort.

Two days ago…. I revoked my consent to DD. For once it wasn’t during a time of punishment when I decided to quit because I’ve been there done that and Jordan doesn’t allow that to happen. For some time now I’ve attempted to reach out to Jordan to communicate about DD; to discuss if he even wanted this because it didn’t seem like he did. I tried a fellow bloggers idea of journaling. He didn’t acknowledge it. I tried texting… he gave vague responses or ignored those texts completely. I tried conversations and he didn’t respond. I offered reading material to “help” him understand. As far as I know it was never read.

Eventually defeated… broken… I decided to protect myself, my heart, from further pain and disappointment and ended, I believe for the last time, our DD agreement.

Jordan confessed he just wasn’t comfortable spanking for discipline. In the past he has expressed his displeasure in feeling like he is parenting another child. He doesn’t want DD. That is clear…. But I do:/ So Now What?

I am hurt and angry. I feel vulnerable…  like I put my heart out there and it has been trampled.

I insisted that without DD he speak to me as an equal and not attempt to control what I do.

That has presented a problem… Can you ever go back to the way life was before DD after living it???

We’ve been doing this for almost two years. Every time we quit we’ve quickly resumed. Jordan has become accustomed to being respected and obeyed and I’ve become accustomed to respecting and obeying… checking in… considering what he would want me to do… asking first. He wants that to continue.  He doesn’t like me doing as I please. But that’s what he wanted isn’t it?

It feels wrong in a way to suddenly think independently and do my own thing. Somewhat because I’m used to Jordan leading… but there is a bigger nagging feeling. The whole foundation of our DD relationship was to use DD as a tool to help us assume the roles God intended for husbands and wives; for me ‘the wife’ to submit to my husband and for him ‘the husband’ to lead our family. So can I submit simply because that’s what God, as a wife, has commanded me to do? Do I have the self-discipline to submit without the threat of spankings or punishment?

Honestly I think I can… it is what Jesus would want me to do… but right now I don’t want to. I don’t feel like he deserves my obedience and I know that is awful… sinful.

Jordan wants to continue with erotic spankings. I asked him not to. I just want to close this chapter. If I could erase it.. I would! But… he did it anyways. Just last night… and it felt amazing and I loved it… but I wish I didn’t.

As far as the blog goes, I spent a lot of time thinking about whether to just gracefully disappear or stay honest and here I am bearing my soul. I guess, in hopes that somewhere out there, there is another lady going through the same thing and if nothing else she will know she is not alone.

How About We Do This... Then This... Then This...

Sometimes Jordan and I like to “sext”.

We like to keep things fresh and fun in the bedroom. It’s an important part of our relationship.

Last evening Jordan was out. I was feeling naughty.

I knew exactly what I wanted him to do to me.

Rather than text it all out I sent him four picture sexts...

 Do this....

Then this…

Then this…

 

His response???

“Well damn!!!”

The end result???

Exactly what I wanted :} Exactly how I wanted it 8)

My response...

Pure Bliss!!!

I think I've discovered a new "love language" of how to get exactly what your looking for in the bedroom :)-

Feel free to test my theory! Just be sure to let me know how it goes 8 )~

Love Our Lurkers Day 2014

Thanks for visiting during our Love Our Lurkers Days 2014 :)

I honestly do love my Lurkers. Despite the few comments each post receives, blogger allows me to see that hundreds of people view each and every post. That makes writing worth it :)

So Lurkers get your bottoms out there and say hello. If you have a blog tell me.

 I would love to visit it :)

If your feeling really brave ask me a question or

tell me a topic you would like me to blog about :)

Thanks again for visiting <3

Attitude Day #6...

 

 

 Attitude day #6 was apparently the last straw....

 It was last Saturday. We did the normal run the kids around to sports busy morning thing and then for once, something very unusual, we didn't have any other plans for the day.

 I was excited to spend the day at home.

However, Jordan had other plans... he wanted to shop for some winterizing items he needed to seal up some of the drafts we get in our old home.

I didn't want to go with him.

                        #1 I was happy to have a day to spend at home.

                        #2 It wasn't anything I wanted to shop for.

                        #3 Jordan had said something that really hurt my feelings earlier that day.

 
Somehow  that afternoon we had gotten on the subject of DD. (never a good thing for us... always ends up in an argument) Jordan was fussing about me still not doing something I was really procrastinating on. Earlier that week he spoke to me about it also. I had told him I just lacked the motivation to get it done and asked him to “help” me get motivated. He said, I will give you tasks to do. You do them and you will be rewarded... You don't you will be punished. Perfect:) Ecstatic I agreed immediately.   

The week continued on. Jordan never assigned any "tasks", I didn't bring our agreement up and the task was left undone.

 Saturday Jordan decided he was going to scold me about it. He teased that I just want him to tell me what to do and for him to “make” me do it. He said, "Your an adult I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. You know what needs to be done!"

His words hurt. I thought he had been serious about our agreement earlier that week.... Apparently not. What he said was the truth. That is what I want. Unfortunately he didn't understand why I would want/need that. Tears sprung to my eyes. I didn't argue with him though... I just continued on with my day... acting as if everything was ok.... feeling broken.

Not long after that incident, Jordan was telling me to get ready, we were going shopping.

I told him I didn't want to go. Even told him he had hurt my feelings... Which he ignored of course... he probably didn't even have any idea how he hurt my feelings... and insisted we were going.

Reluctantly I complied and together as a family we went to multiple stores looking for what we needed. I was distant but respectful..... Until…. he insisted I try the middle seat in his new truck. He wanted me to sit close to him. I refused. Reminding him he had hurt my feelings.  

"How?" he asked looking at me as if I was crazy.  "Now I said slide over here!"

 I was angry now... he should know why my feelings were hurt.

 
I ignored the warning glares... the repeated commands... but not the "I will deal with you later!"

"No... You won't," I hissed. "I'm an adult!!! Remember that Jordan!!!!"

The remainder of the ride home was silent.

I regretted what I had done. I was ashamed that I had defied Jordan... especially in front of our children. We try to set a positive example of what a Godly marriage looks like and I failed miserably.

There was no doubt in my mind that attitude day #6 was going to be the end of our "Off" streak. I was in trouble. Big trouble and it wasn't going to be for my attitude.

I was right. That night before bed I was punished. We both felt better afterword's. We reconnected. All should have been right again.

I read a post on Learning Domestic Discipline this week, Inconsistency vs Priorities,that made a lot of sense to me. A lot of times Jordan doesn’t punish for things that I think he should so I think he is being inconsistent. But… there are certain things that I know without a doubt I will be spanked for. So maybe it isn’t inconsistency… maybe it is a difference in opinion of what constitutes a spankable offence.

I wish Jordan understood/respected my reasoning for wanting/needing DD better. I wish he read my blog and the stories I write (after all they are a clear look inside my heart and mind) but this is a new lifestyle for him, one that he isn’t as educated about or as concerned about as myself. I asked him for this and I will try to be grateful for each step in the DD direction that he takes us.

So far, since the punishment, he has taken on a much more HOH’y tone and fortunately for me I like it:)-