Maintenance is a......

 

 

 

 

After my last post I spoke with Jordan about my desire to start maintenance spankings in addition to our normal punishment spankings.

We discussed it for a while and Jordan stood firm that he was not interested in maintenance.

His reasoning is what we are doing is working well.

He is concerned that maintenance will get me “used” to spankings and punishments won’t be as effective.

Last but not least. Discipline is serious. Pleasure is play. Play is erotic.

So while I still don’t like punishment spankings we are experimenting more with erotic spankings and adding some D/s play into it.

I can’t complain… Actually… it has been pretty amazing.

 

 

I Don't Like Spankings Anymore

 

 

I used to like getting spanked. I fantasized about it for years before I finally confessed to Jordan that the thoughts of being spanked and dominated really turned me on.

After I told him my fantasy, he spanked me playfully from time to time. A few swats here and there mostly and some hard smacks during sex. I really liked what he gave me but I craved so much more. Confessing what I really wanted was too embarrassing so I took what I could get and left the rest to my fantasies.

Real spankings were only a wish until we were introduced to Domestic Discipline during our marriage counseling. I had never heard of DD before but the more I learned about it, the more it sounded so much like what I had always wanted.

When Jordan spanked me playfully in the past I always wished there was a reason for it. I wanted him to scold me when he spanked me. I wanted to feel “punished”. More importantly I wanted to feel forgiven, taken care of and loved. The thoughts of that got me hot.

After we started domestic discipline our sex life got so much better and more adventurous. We tried things that I had never even thought of before. At first we had sex almost every day.  Prior to DD sex sometimes felt like a chore to me. I kind of felt ashamed of allowing it to feel good. I was brought up with the idea sex was dirty and for men to enjoy.

 Introducing spanking and domination into our lives brought my sexuality to life. I started reading a lot about DD which lead to reading spanking romances and blogs. I learned a lot and craved being spanked and dominated  and enjoyed sex so much more.

Spankings were supposed to be a punishment and avoided… but I craved them. They were painful but the feelings of being loved and cared for and extremely turned on by them  made the pain more than worth it. In time Jordan got tired of me “bratting” him into spanking me and then the spankings changed…

Although the spankings in the past came with a lecture and served a purpose to deter a negative behavior they had always had an erotic feel to them. When Jordan spanked he would position me OTK or over pillows on the bed. He would caress in between sets of smacks. He often sent me to the corner and admired his handiwork as I stood naked with my spanked bottom bared to him.  His fingers would wonder and find my wetness. Sometimes they would even find my backdoor and he would test my submission. Those spankings always ended with intercourse that was hot and intense.

Now punishment spankings are very different. They are not sexual and I definitely try to avoid them. Which is the point of DD after all right? Jordan uses the tilt wand. He tells me how many lashes I have earned. He orders me to undress and get into position. I either lay on my stomach on the bed or bend over the edge of the bed. I can never make myself comply with his commands so extra strikes are always added. (You think I would learn because he always follows through with the promised additions.) Finally I assume position and he spanks. The strikes are painful and I find it very difficult to maintain position. Jordan often makes me count each strike out loud. When it is finally over he offers comfort and sometimes I thank him for his consistency and discipline by pleasing him orally.

Sounds perfect to many of you I’m sure. It is perfect for DD. I know he is doing everything perfectly. Text book punishment spanking but it isn’t how I imagined it. It isn’t how I thought it would be. It is Jordan’s version of punishment. It is effective. He is fair. I always deserve the spanking and he even lets a lot slide but I miss the old spankings. I miss the hot sex after the spankings.

So I have asked for maintenance spankings. I asked for them to be done in the old way with some erotic aspects added back in. Since it isn’t a punishment really, I asked for sex to be allowed afterword’s. I think if it serves as a reminder of who is the boss and what our roles are it will still put me in a submissive mindset. I will still feel loved and taken care of and It will make it easier for me to maintain my role in-between punishments. (Hopefully it will lessen the need for punishments.) And we will have hot sex and reconnect on a regular basis.

I hope Jordan wants those moments back too and I can crave and enjoy spankings once again.

The Submissive's Role During Punishment Spankings

 

 

 

 



Saturday night my bad attitude earned me a punishment spanking. Once again I totally sucked at submitting to it. Jordan was beyond frustrated afterwards. I asked for this. I wanted him to lead me... to lead our family. I agreed to him spanking me when I get out of line, but when the time comes I panic.

I got the spanking even though I fought it the entire time. When it was over I knew it wasn't effective; so did Jordan. He was angry and he said, "You need this and I will spank your ass every time you misbehave but until you do your part and submit to your punishment it will never help."

WOW!!! Those words gave me a lot to think about.

Yesterday I spent sometime soul searching and internet surfing looking for some answers... some clarification to the truth about what Jordan had to say and I came across a great article. Read it yourself here

http://rncblog.blogspot.com/2007/06/essay-preparing-for-punishment.html

After reading the article I had a better understanding of what Jordan meant. It is his responsibility to lead and provide correction when needed but I have a responsibility too. My responsibility is to completely submit to each punishment once he has determined that it is needed.

* Instead of attempting to get out of the spanking, I need to apologize for what I did to deserve it and sincerely feel remorseful.

* Instead of  defying him when he tells me to undress or to get into position, I need to obey him willingly.

* Instead of feeling panicked when it is time to be punished, I need to take deep breaths and relax. I need to remind myself that Jordan would never hurt me and remember just how much my bottom can really take without any lasting damage.

* Instead of trying to get away and protect my bottom from the spanking, I need to concentrate on why I am being spanked and how I can avoid it in the future.

* Instead of feeling angry after the spanking,  I need to allow him to comfort me and forgive me like he wants to.

* Instead of complaining about the spanking afterwards, I need to thank him for it.

Easier said than done when your bottom looks like this after the spanking!!!

But I will try harder and next time when he reaches his hand out to lead... I will be strong enough to follow<3



Saturday Spankings Blog Hop

This is my first Saturday Spankings Post:) I'm super excited to be dipping my toes into the author world. Enjoy a tiny peak into my first ever novel, "To Love, Honor and Obey." This is a work in progress and is subject to change.

To Love Honor and Obey is based on a true story. It tells a tale of a married couple, Jordan and Lillyanna Rose, who are enduring some marital discord.

Jordan walked out on Lilly over six months ago. After numerous attempts to resolve their issues on their own with no progress Jordan decided it was time to call it quits. Lillyanna was too stubborn and she wasn't going to compromise on anything.  He was ready to file for divorce.

Lilly was devastated. She wanted her husband back but she wasn't going to let him tell her how and what to do. She talked Jordan into trying Christian marriage counseling believing that the pastor would surely take her side.

Lilly and Jordan are both shocked when Pastor James suggested that they adopt a Domestic discipline lifestyle. The pastor recommends that Jordan starts spanking Lilly’s bottom if she disobeys or becomes disrespectful. He ensures them that Jordan taking control of Lilly will quickly end their discord.

Will Jordan spank Lilly? Can Domestic Discipline save their failing marriage?

Lilly knew Jordan had his belt in his hand. She heard the telling sound of the clinking buckle as he unbuckled it and the slither of him removing it from his pants. It was a sound she’d heard hundreds of times, although Jordan whipping her with it had never crossed her mind before this moment. This time she knew Jordan intended to spank her and it was terrifying. The thoughts of the pain the belt would cause when it met her bottom for the first time was horrifying. Lilly’s heart was pounding in her chest. She could feel the sweat beading on her body. She wasn’t sure she could do this anymore.

I hope you enjoyed your sneak peak:) Comments and constructive criticism are welcome. Enjoy the hop and check out all the other authors.

A Great Read...

A very wise lady recommended that I read a book called, "Spank Her" by Devlin O'Neil. It was a great book and I really appreciate her recommending it! The book explains the man's view of TTWD. We practice domestic discipline and erotic spanking and I didn't know a lot about TTWD but it turns out it can mean many different things. Anyways the book helped me understand a lot of the feelings that I have had for a very long time. At times I felt as though he could read my mind. I also shared the book with Jordan. Hopefully he will read it and learn some things about me/us too.

As an update about Jordan and I. I did not call dd quits. I've promised myself I won't withdraw consent. I know that DD is what I truly want and it makes me happy. We will take things one day at a time and with or without spankings we will make things work. I did get spanked. I didn't submit as gracefully as I would like to be able to. I did not refuse and I think if I would have I would have only gotten it worse:)-

Thanks to everyone who offered their prayers, kind words and advice. I truly appreciate it:)

Until next time,

Lilly

Considering calling DD quits….

There is trouble in the Rose household. Inconsistency to the max! I have called the dynamic off a few times in the past because of similar circumstances like this. I promised myself I wouldn’t quit this time…. I just don’t know if the disappointment is worth this… I know it isn’t worth it.

There have been no spankings. Many threats of lashes (spanks with the tilt wand) even some you’re getting _ lashes but never with any follow through.

Have you ever been told you’re going to get spanked? - Sat in bed waiting for the kids to go to bed dreading the pain but longing for the emotional release and reconnection. And then your HOH goes to sleep… and you never get the spanking. Have you ever pushed all your HOH buttons just to try to get him to “Do something about it’!, But nothing happens…

These things have happened multiple times in the Rose household recently. In the past when this started to happen I quit right away. The emotional pain is torturous. Every time this happens (Jordan doesn’t follow through with a spanking or I push and he ignores it) I question my reason for even wanting this DD dynamic in the first place. I feel ashamed at myself for needing/wanting my husband to spank me. I am embarrassed that I feel so rejected because my husband didn’t do it. I feel unloved and invisible because despite my pushing his buttons in an attempt to feel his authority he isn’t reacting.

Communicate with him, that’s what all my fellow bloggers say I need to do. I’ve warned them that Jordan and I don’t communicate well but I’m so angry and I really need him to know how I feel so I take their advice. I send Jordan an email because I know if I try to talk to him he will shut me down. I know I won’t get to say the things I need to say.

I tell him I’m pushing because I need to feel him stop me. I let him know how hurt I am about the spankings he promised but never followed through on. I tell him I feel like he isn’t paying attention and I’m feeling out of control, invisible and unloved.

Jordan doesn’t understand. He gets angry. He says I’m never happy. He says he could give me the moon and the stars and there would still be something he missed. He is vanilla. He thinks I should be happy he didn’t beat my butt but I’m not happy and I wish he would.

I cry. I’m still crying.. I think I want to quit but know how empty I feel when I do. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve decided that when he decides to spank me I’m not going to let him. I've decided I need to learn not to need this.

This is “real” DD not the fairytale. It isn’t perfect. It hurts and not just from the spankings… and to be honest right now, I don’t think it is worth it.

Secret "Code" Phrases

Last evening we were outside hanging out with the kids. Jordan asked told me to do something. I thought it was something he should have just done himself and I mumbled under my breath as I walked away...

Jordan: "Lillyanna come here!"

Lilly walks slowly back towards Jordan and stands in front of him.

Jordan: "Did you say we need to go upstairs?"

Lilly: "No Sir"

Jordan: "Oh that's what I thought because I'd be happy to take you up there."

Lilly walks away and does what he asked her to do in the first place.


So many thoughts go through my head in this very quick couple of sentences.

#1. I feel annoyed about what Jordan told me to do. I'm annoyed because I believe it is just a test. A test of my submission, he told me to do it just to see what I would do.

#2. I fail the test miserably by doing what he asked but with a major attitude.

#3. Jordan calls me back to him.

#4. My heart sinks. I think I am in big trouble!

#5. Jordan gives me a chance to change my attitude.

#6. I am relieved that I haven't already earned a punishment spanking.

#7. I think about what happened last time Jordan sent me upstairs....

I was washing dishes and arguing with Jordan. The kids were in the playroom. Jordan came up behind me and puts his arms around me and whispered in my ear. I tried to resist but it is unsuccessful. Jordan whispered "Lillyanna Rose(as soon as he calls me that I know I'm in trouble)... I want you to go upstairs in our bedroom. Bare you bottom and stand in the corner. While you are standing there I want you to think about what you could have done differently that wouldn't have resulted in this spanking you are going to get."


I don't dare defy Jordan. I have already learned that lesson. He will make it worse! It can always be worse.....
I go to our bedroom bare my bottom and stand in the corner. Forehead touching the wall, legs spread a little more than shoulder apart, hands clasped at the small of my back and bottom stuck out. Just like Jordan had taught me.


While I stand there I think about a lot of things. It feels like forever. For one I think about how this has never happened before. Jordan saves punishments for after the kids are in bed. What will he do with the kids when he is upstairs spanking me? I also think about how he will spank me and what he might use to do it with. Last I think about how I wish I had responded to Jordan respectfully... How I wish I wasn't standing in this corner.


Jordan enters the room and sits on the bed. I feel him staring at me standing bare butt. He says "Lillyanna, Do you know why you are being punished?" I don't answer. In a harsher tone Jordan says, "Lillyanna Rose answer me know!!! Why are you being punished?" "Because I spoke to you disrespectfully and with an attitude," I reply. "That's exactly right! Bad choice... Come here Lilly," Jordan grumbles.


I walk to him avoiding eye contact. Jordan stands and positions me leaning over the bed. He warms my bottom quickly with quick sharp spanks with his hand. He stops and rubs and gropes and squeezes my punished cheeks. "I will not tolerate your destructive behavior Lillyanna Rose. I will not hesitate to send you right back upstairs," Jordan scolds. He sends me back to the corner.


I am relieved but surprised that the spanking is over. I stand in the corner. I expect Jordan to go back downstairs but I can feel him staring at me. I can tell that he is on his phone. "I don't know what it is going to take for you to understand that I am serious about this Lilly. When will you learn that I will not hesitate to blister your butt?" I hear Jordan say. He is walking towards me.


I feel the plastic tilt wand across both my hot globes. My cheeks naturally tense and he taps the wand against my thigh and says "do not clench." "10 lashes Lilly count them" Jordan instructs. He starts about 1/3 down my cheeks and brings the wand down across both globes at the same time. I hate the tilt wand! It stings so bad. "One" I count. Jordan continues skillfully down my bottom striking just below the previous lash all the way down my buttocks and upper thighs striping it perfectly. It takes everything in me not to move out of place and continue to count.


It is finally over and Jordan turns me around and hold me tight. He lightly rubs my spanked bottom while he says, "I set the alarm on my phone for fifteen minutes. You will stand in the corner until the timer goes off. Then you will join us down stairs with a better attitude." Jordan swats my bottom and leaves the room.


I complete my corner time thinking about how lucky I am that Jordan and I have adopted this Dd relationship and how in the past we would have carried on this disagreement for days. Not speaking to each other and growing further and further apart. I feel loved and taken care of and submissive. I return downstairs with a different attitude and a plan to "thank" Jordan later that night.


#8 I do the task he asked me to happily without an attitude.


Funny after one time of sending me upstairs... just the threat is enough to correct a bad attitude. I wonder how long it will take until I need a reminder? :)- What "code" phrases does your HOH have for you?