Soul Searching

 

Over the last few days I’ve done some soul searching. I’ve prayed, done some reading and bible study and a lot of thinking about “Now what?”

Despite our big blow up last week, life has remained pretty stable. Jordan has continued to lead. He has continued to expect respect and obedience and I’ve been obedient at times and disrespectful at others.

Although I am still hurt and deeply disappointed the brunt of these feelings have begun to fade. My anger has calmed and my focus has changed from “getting him back… revenge” to what should I do now.

The thing that struck me the post as I read trying to find an answer was this…

 

 

 

Biblical submission and respect is not a reaction to, or dependent on our husband’s behavior. It is individual obedience to our Father’s command. (Why is She Smiling… Amy Williams)  It isn’t about if Jordan deserves it or not… it is the fact that I know submitting to Jordan is the right thing to do. Choosing to disobey my husband is a sin. Not only that, Jordan deserves my submission simply because he is my husband and I am his helper.

Another piece I read compared marriage to a business. Someone must be the boss. Someone must have the authority to have the final say. A business with more than one CEO will result in many quarrels due to differences in opinion. That’s what it is all about. Although I know Jordan has the last say, I am competing with the boss and rebelling against his God given authority.   

 

 

So, my decision is this… I will do my best to do what I know is right. I will obey Jordan and submit to his authority to the best of my ability. Submission is a choice and I will try my hardest to make that right choice each day.

I’ve decided not to discuss this with Jordan at this point. Instead I’ve chosen to make a sincere attempt at submitting and when he notices or brings it up I will explain myself. At that time I hope to also tell Jordan that I will leave the option to discipline open. I will leave it up to him to decide if he chooses to bring that aspect back into our relationship.

Thank you all for your support and your honesty.  Your sometimes gentle other times blunt encouragement to continue to submit to Jordan was much needed an appreciated <3

 

So... Now what???

I’ve been sitting here staring at my blank screen with tears streaming down my face trying to decide “Now What???”

As most of you know DD has been a rocky road for Jordan and I. We’ve stopped and restarted a few times… For me honestly it has been more of a source of disappointment and hurt than good. The only thing I don’t regret is implementing DD to serve as a reunification tool after our separation.

DD brought us back together after things seemed unrepairable. We were able to love again when our “in love” had been lost. Unfortunately I embraced the concept much more than Jordan did and time and time again we’ve battled inconsistency and lack of ownership and effort.

Two days ago…. I revoked my consent to DD. For once it wasn’t during a time of punishment when I decided to quit because I’ve been there done that and Jordan doesn’t allow that to happen. For some time now I’ve attempted to reach out to Jordan to communicate about DD; to discuss if he even wanted this because it didn’t seem like he did. I tried a fellow bloggers idea of journaling. He didn’t acknowledge it. I tried texting… he gave vague responses or ignored those texts completely. I tried conversations and he didn’t respond. I offered reading material to “help” him understand. As far as I know it was never read.

Eventually defeated… broken… I decided to protect myself, my heart, from further pain and disappointment and ended, I believe for the last time, our DD agreement.

Jordan confessed he just wasn’t comfortable spanking for discipline. In the past he has expressed his displeasure in feeling like he is parenting another child. He doesn’t want DD. That is clear…. But I do:/ So Now What?

I am hurt and angry. I feel vulnerable…  like I put my heart out there and it has been trampled.

I insisted that without DD he speak to me as an equal and not attempt to control what I do.

That has presented a problem… Can you ever go back to the way life was before DD after living it???

We’ve been doing this for almost two years. Every time we quit we’ve quickly resumed. Jordan has become accustomed to being respected and obeyed and I’ve become accustomed to respecting and obeying… checking in… considering what he would want me to do… asking first. He wants that to continue.  He doesn’t like me doing as I please. But that’s what he wanted isn’t it?

It feels wrong in a way to suddenly think independently and do my own thing. Somewhat because I’m used to Jordan leading… but there is a bigger nagging feeling. The whole foundation of our DD relationship was to use DD as a tool to help us assume the roles God intended for husbands and wives; for me ‘the wife’ to submit to my husband and for him ‘the husband’ to lead our family. So can I submit simply because that’s what God, as a wife, has commanded me to do? Do I have the self-discipline to submit without the threat of spankings or punishment?

Honestly I think I can… it is what Jesus would want me to do… but right now I don’t want to. I don’t feel like he deserves my obedience and I know that is awful… sinful.

Jordan wants to continue with erotic spankings. I asked him not to. I just want to close this chapter. If I could erase it.. I would! But… he did it anyways. Just last night… and it felt amazing and I loved it… but I wish I didn’t.

As far as the blog goes, I spent a lot of time thinking about whether to just gracefully disappear or stay honest and here I am bearing my soul. I guess, in hopes that somewhere out there, there is another lady going through the same thing and if nothing else she will know she is not alone.

How About We Do This... Then This... Then This...

Sometimes Jordan and I like to “sext”.

We like to keep things fresh and fun in the bedroom. It’s an important part of our relationship.

Last evening Jordan was out. I was feeling naughty.

I knew exactly what I wanted him to do to me.

Rather than text it all out I sent him four picture sexts...

 Do this....

Then this…

Then this…

 

His response???

“Well damn!!!”

The end result???

Exactly what I wanted :} Exactly how I wanted it 8)

My response...

Pure Bliss!!!

I think I've discovered a new "love language" of how to get exactly what your looking for in the bedroom :)-

Feel free to test my theory! Just be sure to let me know how it goes 8 )~

Love Our Lurkers Day 2014

Thanks for visiting during our Love Our Lurkers Days 2014 :)

I honestly do love my Lurkers. Despite the few comments each post receives, blogger allows me to see that hundreds of people view each and every post. That makes writing worth it :)

So Lurkers get your bottoms out there and say hello. If you have a blog tell me.

 I would love to visit it :)

If your feeling really brave ask me a question or

tell me a topic you would like me to blog about :)

Thanks again for visiting <3

Attitude Day #6...

 

 

 Attitude day #6 was apparently the last straw....

 It was last Saturday. We did the normal run the kids around to sports busy morning thing and then for once, something very unusual, we didn't have any other plans for the day.

 I was excited to spend the day at home.

However, Jordan had other plans... he wanted to shop for some winterizing items he needed to seal up some of the drafts we get in our old home.

I didn't want to go with him.

                        #1 I was happy to have a day to spend at home.

                        #2 It wasn't anything I wanted to shop for.

                        #3 Jordan had said something that really hurt my feelings earlier that day.

 
Somehow  that afternoon we had gotten on the subject of DD. (never a good thing for us... always ends up in an argument) Jordan was fussing about me still not doing something I was really procrastinating on. Earlier that week he spoke to me about it also. I had told him I just lacked the motivation to get it done and asked him to “help” me get motivated. He said, I will give you tasks to do. You do them and you will be rewarded... You don't you will be punished. Perfect:) Ecstatic I agreed immediately.   

The week continued on. Jordan never assigned any "tasks", I didn't bring our agreement up and the task was left undone.

 Saturday Jordan decided he was going to scold me about it. He teased that I just want him to tell me what to do and for him to “make” me do it. He said, "Your an adult I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. You know what needs to be done!"

His words hurt. I thought he had been serious about our agreement earlier that week.... Apparently not. What he said was the truth. That is what I want. Unfortunately he didn't understand why I would want/need that. Tears sprung to my eyes. I didn't argue with him though... I just continued on with my day... acting as if everything was ok.... feeling broken.

Not long after that incident, Jordan was telling me to get ready, we were going shopping.

I told him I didn't want to go. Even told him he had hurt my feelings... Which he ignored of course... he probably didn't even have any idea how he hurt my feelings... and insisted we were going.

Reluctantly I complied and together as a family we went to multiple stores looking for what we needed. I was distant but respectful..... Until…. he insisted I try the middle seat in his new truck. He wanted me to sit close to him. I refused. Reminding him he had hurt my feelings.  

"How?" he asked looking at me as if I was crazy.  "Now I said slide over here!"

 I was angry now... he should know why my feelings were hurt.

 
I ignored the warning glares... the repeated commands... but not the "I will deal with you later!"

"No... You won't," I hissed. "I'm an adult!!! Remember that Jordan!!!!"

The remainder of the ride home was silent.

I regretted what I had done. I was ashamed that I had defied Jordan... especially in front of our children. We try to set a positive example of what a Godly marriage looks like and I failed miserably.

There was no doubt in my mind that attitude day #6 was going to be the end of our "Off" streak. I was in trouble. Big trouble and it wasn't going to be for my attitude.

I was right. That night before bed I was punished. We both felt better afterword's. We reconnected. All should have been right again.

I read a post on Learning Domestic Discipline this week, Inconsistency vs Priorities,that made a lot of sense to me. A lot of times Jordan doesn’t punish for things that I think he should so I think he is being inconsistent. But… there are certain things that I know without a doubt I will be spanked for. So maybe it isn’t inconsistency… maybe it is a difference in opinion of what constitutes a spankable offence.

I wish Jordan understood/respected my reasoning for wanting/needing DD better. I wish he read my blog and the stories I write (after all they are a clear look inside my heart and mind) but this is a new lifestyle for him, one that he isn’t as educated about or as concerned about as myself. I asked him for this and I will try to be grateful for each step in the DD direction that he takes us.

So far, since the punishment, he has taken on a much more HOH’y tone and fortunately for me I like it:)-

 

I Don’t Like Your Attitude….

 

“Lillyanna, I don’t like your attitude. I think it’s timed we fix it.”  Jordan scolded. “Your patients just aren’t there Lilly.”

It took every ounce of submission I had not to laugh and roll my eyes at him. This was the third day in a row Jordan had commented on my “attitude”. Nothing had been done about it up until this point and I didn’t expect tonight to be any different. The evening continued as usual. My attitude was gaining force as the hours passed by. My mood was sassy and sarcastic and other than a few warning glares Jordan took no action.

After the kids were asleep I entered our bedroom to turn in for the night and I found Jordan sitting on the edge of the bed. Beside him I saw various implements. He opened his arms for me to come to him. I stood in the door way out of his reach.

“I don’t want a spanking anymore Jordan,” I hissed. “This whole DD thing is a joke!” I walked over to my side of the bed and got in. Typically I lay on my side but I needed to protect my bottom just in case so I was on my back.

“You don’t decide when you get a spanking Lilly,” Jordan said sternly while turning himself towards me in the bed. “I am the boss around here!!! I think you may have forgotten your role! Now I suggest you make a good choice and position yourself for a spanking!.”

I knew he was right. I needed a spanking. I needed to be reminded of my role. I needed it three days ago! My submissiveness wasn’t there and I was angry about his inconsistency. Jordan doesn’t play fair. He lets me get way out of control before he intervenes. I’ve told him I needed him to step up sooner. Act as soon as he notices an “attitude” problem. So in my mind it was his fault I was acting this way.

“Ok Lillyanna Rose. Have it your way. Now instead of a reset you will be punished,” Jordan scolded as he stood retrieving something from our drawer of toys.

Before I even realized what was happening he was on his knees next to be trying to turn me over to spank my bottom. I resisted as much as I could.

“OK,” He snarled. “You want to fight me… then we will do it this way,” he growled as he lifted both my legs with his chiseled arms.

 

“No!!!” I cried out. “Not like this. I promise I will turn over Jordan. Please!”

Jordan had me in the diaper position and it was humiliating.  I never saw it coming. I had no idea he even knew a thing about this position. I pleaded with him while he rained sharp slaps all over my taught bottom. My pussy was exposed to him and he spanked that too.

When he was satisfied with the warm up he caressed my warm cheeks, ran his fingers along my slit and commented about how wet I was.

Sometimes I hate how my body betrays me. I didn’t like it. I shouldn’t  have been wet!

“Since this is now a punishment Lilly, you will not be permitted to cum,” Jordan said happily. “But that doesn’t mean that I won’t bring you to the brink… repeatedly, he giggled. “I love this position. Such perfect views of that wet pussy and hot ass.”

Jordan relentlessly teased my pussy fingering me in-between spanks and caresses.  When I neared my peaked he covered my bottom thoroughly with strikes of the leather paddle. The sting was so much more severe than I was used to with my bottom stretched taught the way he was holding me. It didn’t take long for me to start squirming and pleading with him to stop.

Suddenly I felt three harsh whacks with the tilt wand across my sit spots. Quickly I felt the paddle being rubbed over my sore cheeks again.

“Lillyanna you know better than to squirm! 10 more and keep still or you will get three more with the twister and we will start the 10 over.” Crack… “Do you understand me?”

“Yes sir,” I whined but remained still. Tears started running down my face and I lost count. I was relieved when I felt his hand caressing me. Suddenly two fingers thrust into my pussy fucking me in and out. The fingers slid out and Jordan rubbed the wetness on my puckered bottom hole. I clenched instinctively and immediately felt three hard strikes from the tilt wand across the center of my bottom. Soon his fingers returned and I relaxed for him.

Jordan alternated between fingering my pussy and circling my bottom with my wetness. Almost reaching my peak he entered my bottom and began stretching it. Soon the finger was replaced with our small rubber plug and he fucked my bottom in and out with it repeatedly.

“Oh my God Lilly this is so hot!,” Jordan panted. “I think I may come just from touching you,” he said as he rubbed the wooden spoon over my bottom patting my pussy and rectum.

Suddenly I awoke to the sound of the alarm. Unfortunately it was just a dream. Looks like today will be attitude day #4…..

Will they ever understand just how much we love, crave, need spankings?

Things have been going well in the Rose household. Super busy but in a good way.  The kids are back in school and between school work and all their extra activities sometimes life feels like a whirlwind.

 

DD is still with us… lingering in the shadows.

 

I think I have finally come to understand the statement, “DD is just something we do. It doesn’t define or consume us.” At times it feels like an obsession… like the only thing I can think about. Right now it is just something I know is there and I kind of like it this way.

 

I needed to take a break from reading, writing and living domestic discipline. The time away has helped.

 

I have been very well behaved 8)  No sass, no disrespect, no bratting, no nothing and I’m proud of that! That’s the goal of DD isn’t it?

 

Unfortunately being well behaved means there haven't been any spankings.. and I miss spankings... I think :)-

 I've tried to hint that since I’ve been so good I deserve a “good girl” spanking. Meaning an erotic sensual hand spanking with groping and caressing and wandering fingers in between… and hot passionate sex afterword's.

 But... Jordan just isn’t taking the bate. 

 Sex has been happening but it's been vanilla.

 

 

 Not particularly kinky like the naughty kind of girl like me  craves :p

 

 

So .... I decided to try to find a way to get Jordan to understand just how much I crave and love his dominance and spankings…. I think I’ve finally come up with a comparison that men can understand! Let me know what you think ;-)

 

Jordan,

 

You know how much you love blow jobs?

That’s how much I love spankings. Like you, I crave them and fantasize about them... a lot!

 

You know how much you like additional tongue action during a BJ?

That’s how much better a spanking feels with caressing and wandering fingers in between spanks. 

 

You know how much you like to hear me suck you?

That’s how much I love for you to talk to me like a “bad girl” and dominate me during a spanking.

 

You know how much you like me to suck your cock hard?

That’s how much I love for you to spank hard and make me take it even when I say to stop.

 

You know how much better the BJ feels when I play with your balls?

That’s how much better it feels when you tease my openings with your fingers in between spanks.

 

You know how amazing it feels for me to suck your balls?

              That’s how much more intense a spanking feels while plugged.

 

And you know how much you want to fuck me after a BJ and how incredible that post BJ sex feels?

That’s how amazing sex feels when you slam your cock in me and your body smacks against my hot sore spanked bottom.

 

And that my love…. Is how much I love erotic spanking:P

We're going to clear the air...

So, a few days after the "fall out" Jordan announced that we would "fix" things tonight.

After the kids had been sleeping for a bit I asked Jordan if he was ready to talk.

"What is there to talk about?" he questioned. "We are going to clear the air. Take your bottoms off."

Not what I expected! I thought we were going to talk about things. I made a split second decision to obey Jordan. (Typically he has to tell me many times before I obey :)- I've been trying to get better about that!) I took my pants and panties off. "Turn over." Thinking I was going to get a spanking, I obeyed. "Good girl." (I love when he says that :p) I heard Jordan rustling around in the toy drawer. I assumed he was retrieving an implement.

Next I felt his hand rest on my bottom. I instinctively clenched in anticipation of the first spank. Instead I felt cool lube being poured on my crack. I wanted things to be better. I didn't want things to feel tense anymore. So, I didn't resist as I typically do. I felt him rub our small rubber plug up and down my split. "Good girl Lilly. Take a deep breath in.." and I felt the burn of the plug fill me. Then I thought either play time or spanking would come next. Jordan patted my bottom over the plug and said, "stay put."

Jordan returned to his side of the bed and proceeded to watch TV. A bit confused I did my best to be still. It felt like he left me that way for a long time. I'm not sure exactly how long it was. It felt almost like corner time to me. Besides position it was almost the same. Remaining in position exposed in front of my HOH until he gave me permission to move. I spent the time reflecting on what had gotten us to this point and what I could do differently in the future to prevent it from happening again.

When Jordan was ready he moved to my side. "You are going to get ten lashes to Clear The Air and reset us. Be a good girl. Be still and count each strike."

Jordan spanked but not hard. Even with the tilt wand it was a very light spanking. Done with the 10 strikes he rubbed and spanked with his hand heating me up before bringing his hard cock to my wanting mouth. I sucked him eagerly while he swatted my bottom and played with the plug.

Nearing his peak Jordan positioned me over some pillows and took me forcefully from behind.

The remainder of the night was spent snuggled tight with the air cleared and our world righted again.

Here's to hoping it stays that way! Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement during our rocky period. Life won't always run smoothly... this I know <3

" I let you slide..."

I find myself in a dark place this morning. I'm feeling emotionally raw.

Sunday afternoon Jordan said I was getting a spanking. It had been awhile since my last punishment spanking and I felt the familiar feeling of spiraling out of control. I was no longer submissive. No longer obedient. No longer respectful. The spanking was way over do. Things had been going down hill for days. I had been growing resentful that Jordan was ignoring it. Two spankings had already been promised that week but never carried through.  But, when he said I was getting a spanking along with the familiar feeling of dread I felt an overwhelming since of relief.

I should have known better.

Not wanting to make the spanking any worse I behaved myself for the rest of the day.

I didn't really think about the spanking much until the kids were in bed. Then I knew it was coming soon.  I mentally tried to prepare. I psyched myself up about trying to obey Jordan's commands. To get into position and stay in it. To not resist.. because I knew I needed it.

Jordan knew I was getting anxious. Even joked about me watching his every move. "Nervous about something Lilly?" He teased.

The time clicked on. It got late. Jordan turned off the lights and the TV and snuggled into me to go to sleep for the night.

At first I just laid there. Tears rolling down my face. I got angrier as the time past and pushed his hands off of me. He put them back... I took them off... he put them back and I got out of bed and grabbed my stuff to leave the room.

Jordan didn't allow me to go. "What's wrong Lilly?' he questioned sounding annoyed. As if he didn't know! He made me tell him. "What's wrong is that your making a joke out of something that is very serious and important to me," I said through my tears.

"I don't understand Lillyanna. How can you be upset that I didn't spank you?" "After I told you that you were getting spanked you straightened up, so I let you slide."

"But not anymore!!! You've got ten lashes."

"I don't want to do this anymore!"

"Pants off! Get over the pillows."

"I'm not letting you spank me! I'm done with this!"

"You don't want to do this anymore every time you are in trouble. Get into position or I will put you there and it will be 15!"

I didn't move.

Jordan wasn't kidding. He yanked by pants down and "helped" me into position.

"I want you to count each one. Do you understand?"

I didn't answer.

"I don't hear you!" Whack right between my bottom and start of my thighs.

"One" I said.

Jordan gave me all 15 but I was so angry I barely even felt them.

I got up right away. Pulled my pants up and got into bed on the very edge of my side and stared at the wall.

Jordan left me alone.

It has been two days and I still have a heavy heart... Jordan is acting normal like nothing ever happened. In his mind it was taken care of. In my mind it isn't. I'm distancing and I can't help it. I'm just trying to protect my heart. I really don't want to want to do this anymore! Sometimes the pain of disappointment and inconsistency are just too much to bear.

Every time I feel like Jordan understands... I'm quickly reminded that he really doesn't and I'm not sure he even wants to...

To Write or Not to Write.....

 

 

 

 

For the last several months I've been working on a book, To Love Honor and Obey. I decided that I was going to write a book and submit it for publishing. Now I've decided  maybe that isn't such a good idea... I participated in one Saturday Spankings Hop. Overall I actually got good feedback. Even some helpful feedback such as not using Jordan and Lilly as the names of the characters (even though the book is based on "our" story) it is not entirely accurate and using our names complicates things. So now the names are Hilton and Savannah. I've grown to like them :) The problem is.. I am no English major. I'm having some issues with "Tense" and dialogue. I'm also feeling so inferior after visiting so many authors and really paying attention to the way they write and not necessarily the story itself. So, I've kinda put the book on the back burner.

Today I was writing a post for the blog about a recent trip off the right track that I had and it quickly turned into a story. Over three pages in fact. So my question for you guys is.... To Write or Not to Write?

I'm going to post the story I wrote today. It is about Jordan and I. I wrote it from his point of view. If you have the time...  read it. Offer constructive criticism if you have some. But most of all let me know if this kind of thing is something you would like to read. Because, this is how I write. Thanks to all of you in advance:) Warning it does contain explicit sexual content. If that offends you please stop reading now.

 

 

Lilly De-rails

Somehow things had gotten off track. Lilly’s submissiveness and respect were sorely lacking.  I wasn’t sure exactly what had happened to cause her derailing but I knew that I had to get Lilly back on board.

I knew she was a little stressed, back to school week was always hard for her. She hated to let the kids go. I was sure not feeling well for a couple of days didn’t help the situation either but regardless, there was no excuse for Lilly’s sass and disrespectfulness.

I tried to be the nice guy and give warnings. First the stern look. Then the comment “Twister?” followed by “Your on thin ice Lillyanna Rose…”  and even a pulled pony tail with a few firm swats to her clothed bottom in the kitchen after a particularly sarcastic remark. Nothing had worked. I knew what I needed to do but I really didn’t want to do it.

Lilly’s last punishment spanking had resulted in a purple bruised sore bottom. It hadn’t been my intention to mark her that way but when she refused to submit she earned double the strikes I had planned. Twenty strikes with the twister was an obscene number. It had started out at ten. It was a similar situation to this actually. Lilly had simply gotten off track.  A firm spanking always did the trick so I decided 10 whacks were sufficient to rectify the situation. But when the time to spank came… Lilly refused to get into position, earning herself five additional strikes. The threat of the additional strikes still didn’t convince her to move so again I warned her if I had to physically put her in position I would add an additional  5 strikes. Lilly didn’t budge so I physically positioned her and she resisted the entire time. True to my word I brought the wand down twenty times, making her count each one, from mid bottom to the top of her thighs. We got through it but it was not something I ever wanted to have to repeat. Actually since I saw the bruising I had been reluctant to spank again. I had let things slide for far too long now though and Lilly was quickly  slipping out of my control.

I knew Lilly should have learned her lesson the last time and this time when I scolded her and ordered her to get into position she should quickly comply to avoid additional strikes. But… I know Lilly… I would tell her to bend over the side of the bed and she would stand there and look at me pleading with her big blue eyes for me not to follow through and punish her. She would stand there until the stakes were raised so high she had to move and the spanking would become much more intense than I intended it to be.

I thought about it all day. I wanted to do something different this time. I didn’t want to give her the chance to disobey me and I came up with a plan.

That night, like every night, Lilly put the kids to bed and then met me in the bedroom. She found me sitting on the edge of the bed which is not unusual. I opened my knees and held out my arms to her indicating I wanted her to come to the edge of the bed and stand between my knees for a hug. We did this often. I would hold Lilly tight and she would rub my neck and back. It was a safe move for her so I knew she would comply.

As usual I hugged Lilly and she began rubbing. I started talking to her about her attitude. “Lilly, I don’t know what has gotten into you. You are not the boss around here! I am and I will not tolerate your disrespect…” She stiffened a bit but continued massaging and I let my hands fall to her bottom and caressed gently as I lectured. “I don’t want to have to punish you but you aren’t giving me a choice,” I continued. “I’ve given you several warnings over the past few days and you have ignored them,” I said tightening my legs so she was trapped between my knees exactly where I wanted her. Now she did not have the chance to disobey. “Now you’re going to get your bare bottom spanked.” I lowered her pajama pants and panties as I spoke and turned her to the side. “Please don’t do this Jordan. I promise I will be good!” she begged as I guided her over my knee.

 Her upper body rested on the bed and I positioned her bottom high on my lap. I gently rubbed her cheeks helping her to unclench them and relax. “Be a good girl Lilly, you know you need this,” I whispered. As her cheeks softened I eased her thighs open a bit to improve my view of her pussy. My hand wandered lower between her legs and as expected her lips were wet. I rubbed the full length of her slit and she moaned. 

 

 

I began spanking with my hand steadily increasing the strength of each strike. As I spanked harder Lilly began to squirm and try to protect her bottom. I landed some harsh swats to her thighs trying to cure the problem. “This is just your warm up Lillyanna Rose. You lay there and take your spanking like a big girl and you will be rewarded continue resisting and you will be punished more,” I instructed.

Being the stubborn brat Lilly can be she continued fighting. Little did she know I had stashed some things right beside me under my pillow.

“You were warned!” I said and I poured some lube down her crack. “No Jordan! Please don’t. Not that!!!,” she cried clenching her cheeks tight. Yes this I said rubbing my finger down her lubed slit. “If you continue resisting I will use this,” I said showing her the new large plug that I recently purchased. Lilly gasped and her cheeks relaxed allowing me to gently probe her puckered hole. Sufficiently relaxed I teased her pussy with our small plug fucking her in and out before moving the plug to her bottom and inserting it.

I continued hand spanking her now plugged ass and Lilly remained still. No squirming or guarding. My large plug threat was effective. Sufficiently warmed up I retrieved the leather paddle and conducted the punishment part of the spanking. When Lilly bottom was evenly reddened, I gave each of her sit spots a rapid 10 whacks. I wanted her to feel the spanking when she sat down for the next several days. Having a sore bottom kept her respectful and submissive which is exactly what I wanted.

Lilly had tolerated the remainder of the spanking very well. She had attempted very little movement and her attempt at guarding her bottom form the paddle had resulted in having her bottom fucked by the plug. No further guarding occurred after that.

The spanking was over and I caressed Lilly hot cheeks and dipped down to her pussy. She was dripping wet and my finger slipped gently inside. Sex wasn’t usually a part of our punishments but hey, rules are made to be broken. After all Lilly had been a pretty good girl and taken her spanking well so she deserved a reward.

I stood her up. “Bend over the pillows,” I commanded. Lilly eagerly complied. There she was bottom thrust up, legs spread, pink plug peeking out from between her bright red spanked cheeks and a glistening wet swollen pussy. I had to fuck her.

Maintenance is a......

 

 

 

 

After my last post I spoke with Jordan about my desire to start maintenance spankings in addition to our normal punishment spankings.

We discussed it for a while and Jordan stood firm that he was not interested in maintenance.

His reasoning is what we are doing is working well.

He is concerned that maintenance will get me “used” to spankings and punishments won’t be as effective.

Last but not least. Discipline is serious. Pleasure is play. Play is erotic.

So while I still don’t like punishment spankings we are experimenting more with erotic spankings and adding some D/s play into it.

I can’t complain… Actually… it has been pretty amazing.

 

 

I Don't Like Spankings Anymore

 

 

I used to like getting spanked. I fantasized about it for years before I finally confessed to Jordan that the thoughts of being spanked and dominated really turned me on.

After I told him my fantasy, he spanked me playfully from time to time. A few swats here and there mostly and some hard smacks during sex. I really liked what he gave me but I craved so much more. Confessing what I really wanted was too embarrassing so I took what I could get and left the rest to my fantasies.

Real spankings were only a wish until we were introduced to Domestic Discipline during our marriage counseling. I had never heard of DD before but the more I learned about it, the more it sounded so much like what I had always wanted.

When Jordan spanked me playfully in the past I always wished there was a reason for it. I wanted him to scold me when he spanked me. I wanted to feel “punished”. More importantly I wanted to feel forgiven, taken care of and loved. The thoughts of that got me hot.

After we started domestic discipline our sex life got so much better and more adventurous. We tried things that I had never even thought of before. At first we had sex almost every day.  Prior to DD sex sometimes felt like a chore to me. I kind of felt ashamed of allowing it to feel good. I was brought up with the idea sex was dirty and for men to enjoy.

 Introducing spanking and domination into our lives brought my sexuality to life. I started reading a lot about DD which lead to reading spanking romances and blogs. I learned a lot and craved being spanked and dominated  and enjoyed sex so much more.

Spankings were supposed to be a punishment and avoided… but I craved them. They were painful but the feelings of being loved and cared for and extremely turned on by them  made the pain more than worth it. In time Jordan got tired of me “bratting” him into spanking me and then the spankings changed…

Although the spankings in the past came with a lecture and served a purpose to deter a negative behavior they had always had an erotic feel to them. When Jordan spanked he would position me OTK or over pillows on the bed. He would caress in between sets of smacks. He often sent me to the corner and admired his handiwork as I stood naked with my spanked bottom bared to him.  His fingers would wonder and find my wetness. Sometimes they would even find my backdoor and he would test my submission. Those spankings always ended with intercourse that was hot and intense.

Now punishment spankings are very different. They are not sexual and I definitely try to avoid them. Which is the point of DD after all right? Jordan uses the tilt wand. He tells me how many lashes I have earned. He orders me to undress and get into position. I either lay on my stomach on the bed or bend over the edge of the bed. I can never make myself comply with his commands so extra strikes are always added. (You think I would learn because he always follows through with the promised additions.) Finally I assume position and he spanks. The strikes are painful and I find it very difficult to maintain position. Jordan often makes me count each strike out loud. When it is finally over he offers comfort and sometimes I thank him for his consistency and discipline by pleasing him orally.

Sounds perfect to many of you I’m sure. It is perfect for DD. I know he is doing everything perfectly. Text book punishment spanking but it isn’t how I imagined it. It isn’t how I thought it would be. It is Jordan’s version of punishment. It is effective. He is fair. I always deserve the spanking and he even lets a lot slide but I miss the old spankings. I miss the hot sex after the spankings.

So I have asked for maintenance spankings. I asked for them to be done in the old way with some erotic aspects added back in. Since it isn’t a punishment really, I asked for sex to be allowed afterword’s. I think if it serves as a reminder of who is the boss and what our roles are it will still put me in a submissive mindset. I will still feel loved and taken care of and It will make it easier for me to maintain my role in-between punishments. (Hopefully it will lessen the need for punishments.) And we will have hot sex and reconnect on a regular basis.

I hope Jordan wants those moments back too and I can crave and enjoy spankings once again.